Sheriff’s Calls for Oct. 27

Posted 10/26/21

Where there’s smokes… CONIFER – He surely is a pesky varmint, said Pecos Bill. Originally from the Lone Star State, Pecos told deputies that about a month earlier he’d left an Amazon Kindle, …

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Sheriff’s Calls for Oct. 27

Posted

Where there’s smokes…

CONIFER – He surely is a pesky varmint, said Pecos Bill. Originally from the Lone Star State, Pecos told deputies that about a month earlier he’d left an Amazon Kindle, a Zippo cigarette lighter and a pack of (what else?) Marlboros sitting on his patio, only to find them up and rustled before morning. About a week later another pack of Marlboros, another Zippo lighter and thirty dollars cash-money had been lifted from the porch table by night. But Pecos was armed and ready when the late-night looter struck a third time, catching a skinny six-footer wearing shorts and a T-shirt red-handed. Looking down the barrel of the ticked-off Texan’s blue-steel widow-maker, the persistent pilferer made like a dogie at branding time and bolted for open range. Incredibly, the impetuous polecat tried again a few nights later, once more risking his skinny neck for another half-pack of smokes and a half-ounce of butane, and once more finding himself mug-to-muzzle with Pecos Bill and his pearl-handled peashooter. Pecos didn’t have the heart to plug the pathetic patio plunderer, who ran off again. He did, however, decide it was high-time to round up a JCSO posse. Deputies took a full report and said they’d try to find out if the lanky desperado has been busy elsewhere in the territory. They also advised Pecos that, in their humble opinions, what the situation called for was less handgun-confrontin’ and more sheriff-callin’. Pecos said he’d keep his pistol holstered and his telephone cocked.

License to chill

EVERGREEN – By his own account, Mickey Motorist had made three separate appointments with the local DMV office and had yet to sit down with an actual live person. His third attempt at human connection on the morning of Sep. 28 was rebuffed by DMV personnel who told him that Sep. 28 was not actually the date of his latest appointment. Steam jetting out of both ears, Mickey demanded to be heard. Miffed about Mickey’s melodrama, the security guard escorted him outside and told him to “(fluke) off.” Instead, Mickey “beat” on the windows and “pulled” on the front door until JCSO deputies were summoned. Mickey asked deputies to charge the security guard with criminal vulgarity, or something. Deputies agreed that while telling Mickey to (fluke) off may have been “incredibly inappropriate,” it wasn’t really illegal. What is illegal, the officers continued, is breaking the front door of the local DMV office, which Mickey seemed to have done. Deputies offered Mickey some friendly face-to-face advice, and personally issued him a ticket for criminal mischief.

Honk if you’re ornery

EVERGREEN – Heading to work on the morning of Sep. 29, Toyota fell in behind Nissan somewhere on Meyers Gulch Road. Arriving in Kittredge, Toyota was ideally situated to observe that Nissan neither “stopped fully” at the intersection nor “signaled his turn” onto westbound Bear Creek Canyon Road. Apparently a stickler for traffic regulations, Toyota gave Nissan a stern “honk” of disapproval. Apparently a stickler for highway propriety, Nissan replied with one of his own. The small convoy proceeded up the canyon to downtown Evergreen, where Nissan “made a U-turn” in the middle of Main Street and offered Toyota a “hand gesture” of disapproval, and then made second one-eighty to take up position just off of Toyota’s aft bumper. Leaning on his horn most of the way, Nissan trailed Toyota to Little Cub Creek, where Nissan screeched to a stop and leapt from his vehicle. “What’s your problem?” Nissan demanded. “Learn how to drive!” counseled Toyota. “I’m gonna’ (foul) you up, boy!” Nissan pledged. On the very real chance that Nissan might mean it, Toyota launched a preemptive strike against Nissan’s noodle with his right fist, and then called JCSO. After following the wandering threads of testimony for a while, deputies concluded that, although both men were guilty of road rage, Nissan’s harassment and Toyota’s assault effectively canceled each other out, and neither was fined for his foolishness.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.

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