Unintended consequences

EL RANCHO – So taken with her grace and charm was Abelard that he invited Heloise to come and dwell with him forever in his 950-square-foot second-floor estate. Well short of forever, Abelard discovered that his new roomie had been sharing her affections freely among local swain. On the night of April 13, he bade Heloise to take her cheating heart and begone. Heloise refused to leave, punctuating her position by “ripping” Abelard’s “tank top” with both furious hands, leaving bloody scratches on his chiseled chest. Surmising that Heloise wasn’t going to depart without direct encouragement, Abelard loaded a “plastic bin” with her belongings and “placed it outside.” Believing herself to be at a tactical disadvantage, Heloise dialed 911. She told deputies that Abelard had no legal right to remove her from what constitutes her legal residence. Abelard told deputies that while he was kicking Heloise to the curb for infidelity, he suspects she’s also been stealing checks and electronics from him for weeks. Deputies had to agree with Heloise that Abelard couldn’t arbitrarily boot her from the household. They could, however, and did, remove her to the Big House for domestic assault. 

Slim Jim

EVERGREEN – Heading out to the parking lot after a morning shift, Veronica observed a curiously columnar character getting hands-y with a co-worker’s Subaru. Veronica called JCSO, telling deputies it was her distinct impression that the skinny sneak was “using some kind of tool” to open one of the Subaru’s doors, and that when she’d started her engine he’d “scurried away” like a startled skeleton. She said the alleged thief could be easily identified by his extra-lean build, blue baseball cap and bright orange gloves. Arriving quickly, officers easily identified Skinny Vinny by his distinguishing colors and fleshless appearance, but could have just as easily identified him by the cloud of liquor fumes hanging over his slender person, or by aroma of marijuana clinging to him like a second tautly-stretched skin. Asked about his unusual interest in other peoples’ cars, Vinny explained that a friend’s cell phone had recently been stolen, and that its space-age GPS tracking app indicated it was somewhere in that very parking lot. He admitted looking into several car windows, but denied attempting to enter any of them, and a very personal pat-down failed to uncover any tell-tale tools of the car-theft trade. On the other hand, two cell phones were sitting out in plain sight in the targeted Subaru’s drink-holder. Lacking any solid evidence proving that Vinny actually got inside the vehicle, deputies were unable to arrest him for criminal trespass. So they arrested him on an outstanding warrant out of Lakewood, instead. 

Double trouble

EVERGREEN – Arriving at her Buffalo Park Road office shortly after 7 a.m. on April 13, she discovered the office door damaged and “a mess” inside. Deputies called to the scene observed that the door appeared to have been “kicked in.” Beyond it, drawers and cabinets had been left standing open and papers were strewn about. Taking a quick inventory, she informed them that the only thing missing was a quantity of “assorted bills” from her petty cash cache. Officers were still investigating that scene when a second office tenant within the same building called JCSO to report a similar situation. Moving down the hall, deputies saw the second office in identical disarray, as if, the second victim suggested, “somebody was looking for something.” Interestingly, “easily visible cash” in the second office remained untaken and in plain sight. Finding no useful clues in either office, nor any sign of forced entry on the building’s exterior doors, officers contacted building management in hopes of obtaining surveillance footage. The cases remain open pending new information.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.