Crossing the line
CONIFER – Making the most of his Monday night, Gibson took a break from his drinking exercises at a local watering hole to try his unsteady hand at eating. Gibson was swaying patiently at the bar to receive his order when Brandy brusquely buffaloed her way into the queue ahead of him. Fierce in defense of line etiquette, Gibson gave her what-for. Dismissive of common social conventions, Brandy “hit me with her to-go order.” Deputies were called in to restore order. Under questioning Brandy denied swatting Gibson with her supper, and then smacked the deputies with a big, smug sack of sass. Witnesses assured deputies that Brandy had, in fact, clobbered the complainant with her quesadilla. Gracious in victory, Gibson decided not to press charges.
He’s so fined
PINE – The homeowner and the HOA board member have never seen eye to eye, but they were staring daggers at each other on the afternoon of March 4 when HOA’s dogs on leash got into a barking match with Homeowner’s dogs in his yard. Concerned that a dogfight was brewing, Homeowner asked HOA to move his dogs “to the other side of the street.” Unconcerned by Homeowner’s concerns, HOA responded with obscenities, threats and accusations. When HOA at last moved on, Homeowner called JCSO, telling deputies that he feared that hostilities between himself and HOA could “escalate”, and feared even more that he’d get the short end of any such escalation, seeing as how HOA has on many occasions threatened to “fine me” or “kick me out of the neighborhood.” Officers explained to Homeowner that any actions taken HOA in his official board capacity fall into the realm of civil law. Homeowner understood, but asked officers to document the day’s dust-up against future confrontation.
The late-late-late show
EL RANCHO – The mini-crime spree unfolded right before the property manager’s wondering eyes. He was monitoring the property’s surveillance feeds at about 2 a.m. on Feb. 26 when a gray Outback drove into view. A man wearing a dark hoodie and a determined expression got out and started canvassing the parking lot, testing doors car by car. Hitting upon a vulnerable vehicle, he removed a “COVID-19 testing kit” and “five pieces of mail” from inside. The late-night looter immediately pitched the testing kit, but took the mail with him on his way out. The property manager contacted JCSO deputies, who contacted the rifled vehicle’s owner, who said she was sure her car had been locked and couldn’t imagine how the thief got in without leaving any marks. Deputies couldn’t imagine either, and the case remains open pending new leads.
EVERGREEN – Plenty peeved, the postal patron called JCSO on the afternoon of Feb. 28 to report his mailbox missing. He’d seen it standing proud and tall at the head of his driveway on the morning of the 27th, he told deputies, but 24 hours later all that remained of the beloved box was a damaged post and misty memories of correspondence snugly held. As to suspects, the complainant recalled seeing a “white pickup truck” traveling “on the wrong side of the street” earlier that morning, but he couldn’t say if it was involved in the receptacle’s rude removal. The case is under investigation.
Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.