Invisible friend

CONIFER – It didn’t look particularly good for Minnie. Deputies found her at about 1:30 a.m. on Feb. 5 sitting shotgun in a blue sedan accompanied only by a thick cloud of alcohol fumes, the vehicle parked in a ditch on Barkley Drive with the engine running. Having had about 10 minutes to consider her situation, Minnie said she and a “Facebook date” named “Eric” had been drinking in a local saloon, and it was actually Eric who’d been driving her home drunk, driving off the road drunk and running away like a coward drunk. After weighing all available evidence, deputies drove Minnie home to sober up and marked the blue sedan for county pick up.

Jerk ethic

CONIFER – The temporary laborer quickly distinguished himself by immediately and constantly complaining to his supervisor that “I’m doing all the work” and his fellow temps “aren’t doing anything.” He further cemented his working reputation by showing up late on the night of Feb. 7, and then set himself up for Employee of the Week by making “smart-ass comments” when confronted about it. But what really put Laborer on the fast track out the door was making free with items at the job site that weren’t his to use, prompting Boss to pull his ticket and escort him off the premises. In a final act of supreme professionalism, Laborer grabbed a couple of 6-inch “lag bolts” and promised to “cut” the supervisor if he kept “following me.” Boss stopped following him, Laborer found his way out of the building without assistance, and Boss asked JCSO deputies to inform Laborer that his erstwhile colleagues would have to somehow make do without his cheerful presence and inspiring example. Officers told Laborer that his actions had, in fact, been “criminal in nature,” and that if he returned to the job site he’d surely be charged for them. Laborer told deputies that they could count on him.

Burn notice

EL RANCHO – Lights a-blaze and sirens a-blare, deputies raced to Hotel Way on the evening of Feb. 11 following panicked 911 reports of a major fire at the RV storage lot. They arrived to find Moe, Curly and Shemp standing in the parking lot with giddy grins on their faces and, possibly, singed eyebrows. As it happens, Moe recently purchased “a flame thrower online” and had been demonstrating his perilous new plaything for the entertainment of his envious entourage. Moe assured the officers he’d directed the infernal plume “up the hill” and had damaged no artifacts of Man. Since using a flame thrower in a storage facility parking lot is not prohibited by law, deputies doused the case.

Tough customer

EVERGREEN – It should have been a nice little piece of business for the Bergen Park eatery. The woman who sat down at the bar on the evening of Feb. 5 opened a tab and worked it hard. While her custom was appreciated, her constant “complaining” and nasty “berating” of the staff was not, and the manager eventually asked her to settle up and scoot. She might have even done that if her credit card hadn’t been repeatedly declined, setting up a protracted confrontation and a call to JCSO. The manager told deputies he just wanted her gone, and after giving the officers an angry taste of what the staff had endured she got into her car (after first trying to get into a similar car parked next to her own), and left the restaurant holding her $238.00 bag. Needless to say, the disagreeable diner is now persona non grata.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.