Sheriff's calls

Posted 1/24/23

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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Sheriff's calls

Posted

Hard to please

CONIFER – Neighborhood roads were snow-packed on the night of Dec. 28, and Boyfriend called Girlfriend to advise that she bunk with somebody “in the city” rather than brave the mean mountain streets. Girlfriend advised Boyfriend that while a certain lady-friend would gladly put her up for the night, the woman had three male roommates. The thought of Girlfriend slumbering in a house full of men “upset” Boyfriend so much that Girlfriend decided it best to dare the drive. She made it home without incident, which didn’t seem to please Boyfriend as much as one might think. Indeed, he was actually “more upset” that Girlfriend drove up the canyon after he told her not to, and the ensuing blizzard of bad behavior ended with Boyfriend spending the night in the county cooler.

Moms unplugged

SOUTH JEFFCO – Multiple Choice (select one): A.) Violet goes to the school to pick up her child. Ruby pulls in next to Violet, parking so close that neither of them can open their doors. Violet generously pulls out and re-parks, leaving a comfortable space between vehicles and causing Ruby to “go crazy” and start screaming at the top of her lungs. “Did I park a little too (gosh-durned) close?” Ruby hollers “I’m having a bad (dag-nabbed) day!” When Violet tries to depart with her son, Ruby backs toward her vehicle in a menacing way, which is when Violet stops and gets out of her car in hopes of inspiring Ruby to a gentler manner of expression. Instead, she only inspires Ruby to several minutes of strong language and adult themes. Ruby is ticketed for disorderly conduct. B.) Ruby goes to the school to pick up her child. She pulls in next to Violet, prompting Violet to make a huffy gesture and re-park in an irritated manner. Feeling responsible, Ruby tries to soothe Violet’s feelings with conciliatory words. “Did I park too close?” she asks. “I’m having a bad day.” Instead of accepting her tacit apology, Violet speaks roughly to Ruby, and when Ruby tries to back out she aggressively stations her vehicle directly behind, forcing Ruby to get out and plead with Violet to move her car so she can take her precious child and depart in peace. Ruby’s appeals are rejected by Violet, who curses her roundly before driving away in a black fury. Violet is ticketed for disorderly conduct. C.) Amber rides along when Ruby goes to the school to pick up her child and pulls in a little too close to Violet. Amber keeps her head down for the next several minutes as Ruby and Violet engage in a spirited and entirely mutual hate-fest, complete with foul epithets, personal slanders and obscene directives. Amber decides not to ride along with Ruby anymore. The correct answer is D.) Deputies think Violet and Ruby both deserve tickets for disorderly conduct, but instead file a report on the incident and promise the women it will go hard for them if they ever mix it up in the school parking lot again.

Mr. Plow

EVERGREEN – Dec. 29 was just a normal day at the office, except he couldn’t get into the office. Curious as to why there was a massive pile of snow in front of the door, he found his answer in security footage. Time-stamped 3:30 a.m., a former employee in a blade-equipped pickup can be clearly seen moving all of the snow in the parking lot to the least convenient place possible, a free service, seemingly, that was not at all appreciated. The complainant told JCSO deputies that the former employee has been doing “little things” to make his life difficult, but this was an annoyance of greater magnitude and he wanted it documented pending sterner counter-measures. 

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

Sheriff's calls, Jeffco, Conifer, Evergreen, humor

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