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Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.
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Ado ex machina
CONIFER – On or about Dec. 17, a person or persons unknown were mean to machines. Specifically, they spray painted the windows of a skid steer and an excavator that had been spending a quiet weekend alone at a new home site. As to suspects, the machines’ owner could only say he’d had a bit of a run-in with a certain fellow in the neighborhood who objected to the nascent new home, but couldn’t say whether he was behind the Bobcat blackout or not. The certain fellow wasn’t in residence when the cops came a-calling, but his wife assured them he had nothing to do with the vandalism. She also said that a lot of the neighbors were peeved about the project on account of “removed trees” and “more people using the water.” Without more to go on, deputies could only go.
SOUTH JEFFCO – The thrift store employees called on the fly. They were in hot pursuit of a white Ford F250 heading south with a bed-full of boosted donations. Acting fast, deputies stopped the truck and asked its sole occupant to explain diversity of pre-owned goods piled in back and jammed in the cab. About a month ago, the driver told officers, a guy at the thrift store assured him that items placed in a certain area were to be discarded and could be procured without permission or penalty, and that everything he’d taken had been in that area. The thrift store employees begged to differ, saying that he’d taken his second-hand swag from the area reserved for depositing donations and they planned to press theft charges. Turning to that principle of law that says you can’t steal your own stuff, the accused announced that most of the stuff in the truck-bed, and all of the articles packed into the cab, belonged to him all along. In other words, he’d just been tooling around town with a filing cabinet, stair-stepping machine, portable air-conditioner, three pairs of skis, a broom, and a child’s bicycle with a “Goodwill” sticker on it in the back of his truck, and a leaf blower, a drying rack, a folded-up weight bench, a power-washer and two small chairs taped together in his cab. The thrift store employees disputed him on several points, most significantly regarding the skis and the broom, which are kept on store property and could only have been obtained through a determined act of trespass. Deputies cited the anti-donor for theft and second-degree trespass, and the goods were returned to the store’s “Not for Stealing” area.
EVERGREEN – A while back, the business owner placed a $1,200 order with a large supplier. On Dec. 19, a deliveryman appeared with $1,200 worth of goods and demanded that Business Owner pay $1,500 directly to him. Business Owner preferred to stick with the original price and payment arrangements and Deliveryman departed unpaid, only to call a few minutes later and scorch the phone lines with a fiery flume of surprisingly graphic and distasteful threats. Not particularly concerned, but not willing to let Deliveryman’s dirty diatribe go unanswered, Business Owner referred the matter to JCSO. Contacted for comment, Deliveryman denied about half of his super-salty statements, and vowed to see Business Owner in civil court. Deputies figured that was as good a place as any to deal with the disagreement and dropped the case.
EVERGREEN – It’s all very distressing, she tells deputies. For the last couple of weeks a middle-aged guy has been frequently observed sitting in the school parking lot. His pickup truck bears signage for some manner of home cleaning business, but he doesn’t seem to be doing any business, unless it’s of the monkey kind. Some parents are starting to get uptight, she says. Officers trace the mysterious malingerer to his home. No anxiety intended, he assures them. With numerous clients in the area, he finds the spacious school parking lot an ideal spot to eat lunch and make a few phone calls between jobs. Deputies explain that the prevailing social climate is hostile to lone males parked in public places frequented by children, and advised that it might be better for everyone if he found a less convenient place to brown-bag. I smell what you’re stepping in, he nods. I don’t want to cause a stink.
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