Sheriff's calls

Posted 1/10/23

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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Sheriff's calls

Posted

Dream sequence

CONIFER – The way Homeowner remembered it, he hadn’t been pleased with Contractor’s work on his doors and requested a refund. Contractor had seemed agreeable to a discounted rate, and Homeowner thought no more about it until 1 a.m. on Dec. 12 when it all came rushing back to his groggy mind as he was startled awake by Contractor, who was standing on his front porch, pounding on his front windows and bellowing “You still owe me money!” Slogging downstairs to discuss the situation, Homeowner said he found himself a silent partner in a rather one-sided conversation highlighted by vaguely menacing statements like “I know the ins and outs of this house!” and “You’re a (girly man)!” and “I’ll be back for you!” The way Contractor told it, he’d made no such comments, nor paid Homeowner an early-morning call at all. With no hard evidence supporting either party, deputies slammed the door on the complaint.

Crime of fashion

EVERGREEN – In homage to his favorite bumbling NFL team, Steadfast Bronco Fan placed an assortment of orange and blue sports memorabilia in his driveway, hung an autographed “John Elway” football jersey on the fence in front of his house, and then went out of town. Returning a full week later, Steadfast was astonished to discover the semi-valuable article of apparel cut from the display roster. Fortunately, his security camera caught the theft in progress – a man in a gray hoodie sauntering casually up to the fence, calmly cadging the keepsake, and moseying away as cool as you please. Unfortunately, Steadfast didn’t recognize the thief, whom the camera’s date-stamp showed had actually pulled the job at two o’clock in the afternoon the day before he left town. Deputies told Steadfast they didn’t have very good field position, but would try to get a few yards out of the security footage. Steadfast told deputies he’d let them know as soon as he figured out how to make the digital pictures portable.  

How NAFTA works

SOUTH JEFFCO – Making a routine inquiry he would shortly regret, the deputy learned the pickup truck parked on the shoulder had been reported stolen about two months earlier. The vehicle’s listed owner lived nearby, and the officer dutifully looked him up to find out why that might be. The owner turned out to be a nervous, fidgety man who seemed more willing to cooperate in theory than in fact. He said he’d found the truck on a website, although which website he couldn’t quite remember, and thereby contacted the wife of the truck’s presumed owner, a surname-free fellow called “Dusty,” who put him in contact with Dusty’s presumed business partner in North Dakota, who put him in contact with Dusty himself, who instructed Mr. Fidget to meet him south of the border to close the deal. “About two weeks ago, or so,” said Mr. Fidget, he’d flown to Arizona, rented a car in a border town he couldn’t recall, driven an unspecified distance into Mexico, and came to rest in a small Mexican town he couldn’t recall, which is where he met Dusty and came into possession of the truck. When the officer expressed an interest in talking with Dusty, Mr. Fidget became positively twitchy, saying he had “a lot of paperwork” that might have Dusty’s number in it somewhere, but that Dusty “has about 20 pay-as-you-go phones” and it just wouldn’t pay to look. Surprisingly enough, given that remarkably sketchy tale, Mr. Fidget seemed to be – at least temporarily – the vehicle’s legal owner. After a drug-sniffing canine cop gave the truck its personal seal of approval, the deputy bid Mr. Fidget good-day, but warned him that his purchase came with a shaky pedigree and a JCSO detective would probably be looking him up one day soon. Mr. Fidget said that no matter what happened, he could never be persuaded to take legal action against Dusty. Before parting ways in that little Mexican town, he explained, Dusty had made him sign a hand-written note “stating that I would not press any charges against Dusty at any time.” 

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

Sheriff's calls, Evergreen, Conifer, police, humor

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