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Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.
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CONIFER – The trouble started that afternoon, Girlfriend explained to deputies. With Boyfriend leaving town upon the morrow, they had only one precious day to fill their cup of romance before the love-drought set in. Alas, when she’d asked Boyfriend how they might best occupy the few precious hours left to them, he callously informed her that he’d be spending the whole precious afternoon with his brother, and the couple occupied the next precious hour exchanging curses and tears. Unable to make Boyfriend repent of his selfishness, Girlfriend picked up the phone and spent another precious hour ripping on him to her mom. Sitting well within earshot, Boyfriend withstood the torrent of third-person abuse for as long as he could, and then spent several precious minutes ripping on Girlfriend. Mom withstood the torrent of third-person abuse pouring out of her telephone speaker for as long as she could, then hanged up and dialed 911. The quarrelsome couple assured officers they were “done arguing for the day”, and deputies left the pair in precious peace.
Or so ‘they’ say
SOUTH TURKEY CREEK – It was basically an either/or proposition. According to the decidedly foreign-sounding man on the phone, Lucky Winner had just hit a $2.5 million jackpot, which she could start spending as soon as she wired him a $950 Western Union money-gram to cover processing costs. Foreign-Sounding then put “very robotic-sounding” Attorney on the line, who warned Lucky that if she didn’t accept her prize gracefully – and promptly – “they” would blow up her house. Facing a choice between great riches or a smoking crater, Lucky called JCSO and asked deputies to either drop a bag on those jokers, or at least take a report.
The staff of strife
EVERGREEN – Husband asked Wife to drive him to his chemical-dependency meeting. Wife tersely declined, saying she had to take their dog to Petco. Husband barked at her, and when barking failed to lower her hackles, he hurled a half a loaf of bread at her. When the half a loaf of bread didn’t pierce the hard crust of her indifference, he threw a plastic bag of cookies at her. When the cookies didn’t sweeten her sour disposition, he threw some of her clothes on the bed and told her to am-scray. The garments finally wore down her patience, and she called JCSO to report a tear in the fabric of their domestic bliss. Because Husband denied committing assault with a bread-ly weapon, and since Wife didn’t appear to be harmed in the yeast, deputies asked Wife to rise above the quarrel and get out of the kitchen until the heat cooled down.
EVERGREEN – Hattie doesn’t like Dottie, a sentiment Dottie returns with interest. On the morning of Sep. 16, Hattie called JCSO to report that Dottie had trespassed on her property. As proof, Hattie showed officers surveillance footage of a black-clad woman with “dirty blonde hair” walking through Hattie’s yard. After meeting with the accused, deputies determined that the trespasser on tape has much longer hair than Dottie, and that Dottie was working at the time of the trespass, anyway. Officers never did learn the identity of the woman in black, but officially declared Dottie off the hook.
SOUTH JEFFCO – Whether the rascal should be punished for committing a landscaping crime, or be commended for stopping one, may depend on which of the complainant’s neighbors you ask. On the night of March 2, the aggrieved homeowner told deputies, an uncommonly energetic thief scaled her south-side fence, seized the fiberglass canoe she used as a “lawn ornament”, ripped the boat from its stout moorings, muscled it up and over the fence, and portaged away to parts unknown. Lacking sufficient evidence to float charges, deputies took her report and bailed.
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