Sheriff's calls

Posted 9/28/22

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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Sheriff's calls

Posted

Any given Sunday

SOUTH JEFFCO – The flock stood by in the church parking lot listening to Jim and Tammy Faye scream fire and brimstone at each either for a good 10 minutes before one caring soul tipped secular authorities to the unholy ruckus. Deputies found the combative couple hunched in their car and staring daggers at each other over the center console. Tammy Faye said they’d kicked off the argument the night before and Jim just couldn’t seem to let it go. The bones of contention seemed to be Tammy Faye’s cherished iPod and laptop computer, which she believed Jim had unjustly seized. Under questioning, Jim admitted handling his wife’s devices, but said he’d merely hidden them in a place where she could still get at them any time she wanted to, provided she could find them. Rather than launching into a lengthy sermon on the legal definition of theft, officers extracted pledges of good conduct from both sinners and released them into their pastor’s custody.

Copse and robber

INDIAN HILLS – Several months ago, Hoss cut down about 50 scrub oaks in the interest of “fire mitigation.” Believing that Hoss had cut down trees not his own, Hoss’s neighbor, Heath, commissioned a survey that showed that the axed oaks were, in fact, on his own property. Several months and a dense grove of emails later, Heath contacted JCSO to find out what “options” were available to him. Heath didn’t want Hoss charged with anything, but he did want to be reimbursed for the survey, plus the cost of site cleanup, plus the price of a cord of scrub oak wood. In his own defense, Hoss said that he and Heath had once toured the property line together, at which time Heath had pointed to the scrub oaks now departed and said “they’re your problem.” In any case, deputies deemed the dispute civil and split.

Disbarred

KITTREDGE – Working the bar on the night of Aug. 27, the employee decided he was sick of working the bar. Find somebody else to work the bar, he told his boss, or I’ll give my two-week notice. Boss told Employee that no notice was necessary and released him then and there from all duties forever and always. Not liking the turn his ultimatum had taken, Employee thought to regain the upper hand by loudly “berating” Boss and getting all up in his grille. Preferring to keep a clean grille, Boss “pushed” Employee away with both hands. Employee fired back with an open-handed blow to Boss’s chest, then stormed off into the night, never to be seen again. Boss asked JCSO to document the dust-up, but filed no charges.

Advise and dissent

EVERGREEN – The homeowner was all excited about his new wood stove until it actually came into the house. In his estimation, the installers were making “error after error,” which he was diligent in pointing out to them, which they didn’t much appreciate. Tiring of the constant critiques, the installers informed Homeowner that they were “recording” his harping harangues and then retreated to their van. Homeowner considered the recording of his rants “threatening” and called JCSO. Contacted in the driveway, the installers told deputies they’d had all they could stand of Homeowner’s abuse and were awaiting instructions from the home office. Finding no cause for official action, officers advised everybody to keep their cool and closed the case.

Eggs-it strategy

EVERGREEN – Sometime during the night, said the caller, forces unknown nuked his 1983 Chevrolet Blazer with a salvo of high-cholesterol missiles, and he believed he could identify the godless aggressor responsible. For all of recent history, he explained, he’s been in a cold war with an ideologically abhorrent neighbor, and he was “almost positive” that’s who egged his ride. Although his supposition seemed to be supported by the fact that no other neighborhood vehicles appeared to have been targeted, it did not support a unilateral response by JCSO. Even so, the complainant asked the deputy to leave temporarily, and return for photographs of the destruction “when I’m gone.” Although the officer couldn’t begin to guess why the man preferred to not be present for the picture-taking, he diplomatically obliged, then consigned the case to the ash-heap of JCSO history. 

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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