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Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.
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A drop of water
CONIFER – Southbound on the afternoon of Aug. 26, Red Pickup had just passed the merge point on Richmond Hill when he spied Black Pickup approaching from behind on the right shoulder, apparently trying to get around him in the least safe way possible. Fortunately, or maybe not, Black Pickup failed to pass and was forced to stay in Red Pickup’s wake until they reached Kings Valley, when Black Pickup swerved into a turn lane long enough to pull even with Red Pickup and throw a water bottle at him. Red Pickup instantly exited to a convenient convenience store to assess the damage. Black Pickup instantly exited to the same location to demand that Red Pickup join him in a contest of fists. Instead, Red Pickup called JCSO, hoping that badges on the scene would cool Black Pickup’s jets. Black Pickup assured officers that he didn’t throw the water bottle at Red Pickup because “it fell out of my hand” as he attempted to do so. A weak defense, but since Red Pickup didn’t want to press charges, it got Black Pickup off the hook and back on the road.
BUFFALO CREEK – It was an all-out pine-tree-palooza, with a pair of disc jockeys spinning away the night of Aug. 19 with waves of high-volume hits, and crowds of campers dancing till dawn amid clouds of reefer smoke. It was also a major headache for everyone else at the campground, so when the deafening debauch ramped up again on the night of Aug. 20, a campground employee wandered over at about midnight and asked the DJs to dial it down, for mercy’s sake. Pitiless in pursuit of the perfect party, the DJs “turned it up” instead, which is when she called JCSO. Homing in on “very loud music” easily heard from “approximately a mile away,” deputies shouldered through the festive crush to the neon-lit DJ booth and pulled the plug. Quiet time at the campground is between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m., officers explained, and if they busted one more beat before breakfast they’d be hearing about if from a judge. The deejays agreed to desist until daybreak.
INDIAN HILLS – Reviewing surveillance footage of the local community center, the board member sat up in his chair when the morning of Aug. 21 rolled onto his screen. Clearly visible was an adult male wearing “one latex glove” repeatedly punching codes into the building’s secure lockbox while repeatedly referring back to his cell phone and repeatedly “looking angry” when the lockbox stayed locked. No events were booked at the center, he told deputies, so the man had no good reason for trying to get into it. Officers scheduled extra patrols of the premises.
EVERGREEN – Dissatisfied with the kind and quality of her supper fare, on the afternoon of Aug. 23 she expressed her displeasure to the staff in the strongest possible terms. “You should be shot,” she told one worker. “You should be taken out and shot,” she remarked to another. In truth, neither admonished employee believed their detractor meant them physical harm, nor had the means to cause them any. Even so, they didn’t like being threatened and asked that deputies encourage her to less violent speech. In her own defense, the woman told deputies that cottage cheese and a fruit plate do not a proper dinner make, and that staffers who would serve such blanderies to a hungry client “aren’t doing their job.” Deputies suggested that in future she couch her complaints in less lurid language.
EVERGREEN – When she parked her car in the lot on the morning of Aug. 5, it had half a tank of gasoline. When she came back to get it on the afternoon of Aug. 6, she was running on empty and there was a neat hole in the gas tank. She didn’t know exactly when the tank had been drilled, or who drilled it, but she was pretty sure it was going to cost more than a thousand bucks to replace it. The case is up on blocks pending new information.
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