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Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.
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KITTREDGE – Backing out of his driveway on the morning of Aug. 4, he had the bad luck to clip his neighbor’s trash can, and the worse luck to have his neighbor witness the minor mishap. “Pick my (forty-gallon) trash can up, (Massimo)!” demanded Neighbor. In view of the strained relationship between their respective households, Bad Luck decided it was “too early” for what promised to be an unpleasant “confrontation” and simply drove away, leaving the barrel where it lay. But if Bad Luck considered the matter closed, Neighbor did not, and Bad Luck returned home that evening to a hot reception. “Do you have a (familiar) problem, dude?” Neighbor asked as a purported “mob” of “shirtless” residents poured out of their homes to support Neighbor’s cause. Speaking later to deputies, Bad Luck likened his assembled detractors to drunken “KKK” goons brandishing figurative “pitchforks,” and he assured the officers he was prepared to meet such threats with whateverstrong measures he may deem necessary. Officers took considerable pains to explain to Bad Luck the serious legal dimensions of deadly force, and strongly recommended he call JCSO before going off half-cocked. They further advised the milling mob to dial back their disapproval before things get out of hand.
EVERGREEN – Making a run for the border on the afternoon of Aug. 4, he picked up his bag of burritos at the drive-through window only to discover that the guy at the drive through window had handed him somebody else’s zesty fiesta. He called in a complaint, and the manager told him to return to the drive through window for a refund. Unfortunately the manager wasn’t working the drive through window, and the guy who was “didn’t know anything about a refund.” What happened next depends on who’s doing the telling. The PO’ed patron told deputies the guy at the drive through window was aggressively uncooperative and ultimately came outside spoiling for trouble. The angry employee told deputies the patron “started throwing things through the window” and “challenged me to a fight.” The manager said the complainant is no longer welcome on the border. The complainant seemed to be okay with that.
EVERGREEN – As was his custom, the man parked his pickup truck near the grocery store just after noon, carefully placed his hand-lettered sign for maximum visibility, and made ready to solicit donations from the stream of small bills turning off of Evergreen Parkway. He’d yet to see his first dollar, however, when a woman with kids “piled out” of a minivan, set up folding chairs in front of his sign and prepared to corner his market. The man yelled at the woman to move on. The woman yelled at the man to take a powder. The man threw a rock toward the woman. The woman threw a rock back toward the man. A passerby couldn’t possibly help noticing the hullabaloo going on at one of Evergreen’s most-trafficked intersections and notified JCSO. The woman took notice of the passerby’s notice and piled everyone back in the minivan for a hasty retreat. The man told deputies that the woman and her young crew are well-known at intersections all over Lakewood and Littleton, and she had no business poaching west of the Hogback. With her departure, peace had returned to the mountains and officers returned to their normal duties.
EVERGREEN – By midnight the bar patron was drunk as a skunk, so the staff cut him off. By 12:01 he was loud, violent and obnoxious, so the staff kicked him out. When he refused to go quietly into that good night, they called JCSO. “Look, big dog,” Obnoxious warned deputies asking after his welfare. “You don’t want this problem, man.” Almost certainly they did not, but they were stuck with him anyway. Even as deputies were doing their level best to keep Obnoxious cool until they could find him safe harbor for the night, he was repeatedly raising his fists and “squaring off” to fight them. Obnoxious soon proved so relentlessly uncooperative, crudely offensive and physically threatening that deputies had little choice but to arrest him outright and drive him down the hill in handcuffs.
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