Sheriff's calls

Posted 8/23/22

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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Sheriff's calls

Posted

Beeped and bleeped

CONIFER – Pulling into the bustling grocery store parking lot on the afternoon of July 28, she was delighted to see an open space within easy reach of the front doors. Trouble was, the owner of a “red compact” parked in the space next to it was busy “rummaging in the back seat,” effectively blocking access to the sweet spot. After waiting for what she considered a considerate interval, Shopper applied a “slight beep” on her horn “so the lady would see me.” The lady did a lot more than that, instantly launching into an angry and profane tirade that ended with the warning “If you do that again, I will shoot you!” Cool under fire, Shopper noted Lady’s license plate number and called JCSO, asking only that deputies “talk to” the woman about her discourteous public comportment. Try as they might, officers weren’t able to get Lady on the phone. To preserve peace in the parking lot, grocery store management asked that, if deputies ever do get a-hold of Lady, they formally trespass her from the premises.

Four’s a crowd

EVERGREEN – Wife and Wife’s sister arranged to meet Husband at a bar for drinks. The ladies were displeased when Husband showed up with Sketchy Friend in tow on account of Sketchy being freshly sprung from the can for being a major-league creep. They also weren’t crazy about how Sketchy was already half in the bag, or how he immediately set about filling the other half with pitchers of beer. After watching the men get hammered for several hours, and despite growing reservations about Sketchy, Wife and Sister agreed to drive both men home. No sooner did the schnockered Sketchy get into the car than he began applying his amorous magic on Sister, who turned out to be immune to his perverted charms and repeatedly asked him to stick a sock in it. Husband decided he didn’t like the way Wife and Sister were talking to Sketchy. Wife and Sister told Husband that Sketchy was getting better than he deserved. Husband demanded to be let out of the car, and Wife obliged. Wife and Sister drove Sketchy home and came back to retrieve Husband, who had apparently been standing on the shoulder keeping the argument warm until Wife returned, which attracted the attention of sheriff’s deputies, who were questioning Husband when Wife showed up. Wife told officers all was well and Husband would feel much better after a good night’s sleep. Husband told officers he was far too outraged to go anywhere with Wife, and would prefer spending the night with one of his many sympathetic buddies. Unfortunately, none of Husband’s many sympathetic buddies were answering their phones at 2:30 a.m., and deputies booked him a suite in detox, instead. Wife hoped Husband would get a good night’s sleep in the tank, because “he has to coach our son’s game tomorrow.” 

Re-booted

EVERGREEN – On the morning of July 24, the landlords asked deputies to check their rental property to make sure its recently evicted tenant was still evicted. Officers were able to confirm Evictee’s non-resident status, at the same time learning that he’d set up temporary accommodations for himself on a neighboring property. Evictee assured deputies he had Neighbor’s complete permission to squat on his lot. Neighbor assured deputies that Evictee had no such thing. Seeing as how nobody in the neighborhood seemed interested in hosting an itinerant on their estate, officers advised Evictee that his next move should probably be out of the area entirely.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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