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Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.
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Pajama party pooper
CONIFER – Missy and Sissy met while both were staying at a women’s shelter, struck up a friendship and stayed in touch ever after. It was only natural, then, that when Sissy found herself in a bind and between addresses, she looked to Missy for a sympathetic shoulder and a couch to crash on. Missy’s sense of responsibility to her one-time shelter-mate was genuine, but time-limited; Sissy could stay with her five nights only before making more permanent arrangements. As it happened, five nights was optimistic, at best. Three nights later, the two ladies were sitting around the coffee table reminiscing about old times and knocking back a few bottles of blush Chablis when Sissy abruptly leapt from her seat and came down on Missy like a Tunguska asteroid, blasting her into a bi-fold door hard enough to knock it from its tracks. When Missy fled upstairs to her bedroom, Sissy hunted her down and threw her to the floor. Sissy eventually relaxed enough for Missy to summon deputies, who found Sissy waiting outside in the driveway and Missy sitting inside looking dazed and confused. Missy told officers she had no idea why Sissy had gone off that way, and Sissy couldn’t seem to grasp what all the fuss was about. Missy told deputies she didn’t want to press charges against Sissy, but did want her out of the house. When deputies told Sissy they were taking her to detox, she declared herself unjustly arrested and “went limp.” While wrestling Sissy’s determinedly inert carcass into the back seat of a squad car, officers assured her that she wasn’t properly under arrest, but soon would be unless she cooled her jets. Alas, Sissy’s jets remained hot, and she spent the rest of the night in the cooler.
EVERGREEN – On the morning of July 19, the power pole crew was busy keeping Fern Gulch connected. Driving up Fern Gulch on the morning of July 19, the dump truck driver encountered the crew and instantly dropped a load. The Crew told Dump Truck the road was temporarily closed. Dump Truck was “extremely mad” about the closure, repeatedly “revving his engine” and “lurching forward” and “threatening to drive through” the work zone. The Crew told Dump Truck they’d be finished in “10 to 15 minutes.” Dump Truck told the Crew where they could plant their power pole and lurched his vehicle to within “6 inches” of the nearest crewman. The Crew called the cops, who asked Dump Truck to explain himself, who told deputies his big ol’ truck might have crept forward a tad when he “let off the brakes to apply the parking brake.” Officers weren’t buying it, but since the Crew was more interested in putting up the pole than punishing Dump Truck, officers let him go with a warning.
For better or worse
EVERGREEN – The bride was radiant, the groom dashing, the venue sublime. The wedding reception at the Evergreen Lake House on the night of July 22, however, was anything but magical. Almost immediately, staff began noticing empty “shooter” containers littering the premises, which would explain why the capacity crowd was getting “very rowdy” and “out of control.” Sometime after 9 p.m., increasingly alarmed bartenders closed the well to several of the more brightly lit guests, who responded by “changing their clothes” and sidling back up to the bar. The bartenders weren’t fooled, the guests weren’t happy, and the crowd grew restive. By the time JCSO deputies were summoned, the bartenders had quit serving alcohol altogether, there had been numerous high-octane verbal assaults on the staff and, according to one aggravated employee, the DJ’s wife “stuck her finger in my ear.” Having badges around lowered the emotional temperature in the room considerably, and Lake House staff asked that officers hang chilly until the party officially ended at 11 p.m. Deputies vowed to stay and keep the peace.
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