Sheriff's calls

Posted 8/3/22

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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Sheriff's calls

Posted

Stars and swipes

SOUTH TURKEY CREEK – Peter Patriot’s Independence Day party was primo, a full-tilt freedom fest featuring four score of sovereign citizens all tipping their tankards like it was 1776. Come dawn of the 5th, however, Peter discovered that some traitorous Tory had liberated a big wad of his cash, one of his credit cards and a pair of AirPods. Peter was able to track the AirPods to a pawn shop in Aurora, which information he passed along to the Jeffco constabulary, which was able to identify the thief as one Letitia Loyalist, a treasonous trollop not found on Peter’s ordained and established guest list. While Letitia’s current whereabouts are unknown, officers arranged the return of Peter’s AirPods and will charge the perfidious pilferer with pernicious pawning if and when she can be located.

Over-ruled

PINE – Mr. and Mrs. Homeowner have a problem, and they don’t expect any help from their HOA. Indeed, the Homeowners told deputies on July 9, their problem is an influential HOA board member who persistently potties his pup on their property. When the Homeowners sought permission to put up Private Property signs, Influential denied their petition to post. And when they flatly asked him to keep himself and his canine out of their yard, he’d “puffed out his chest” and declared that he’s “allowed” by “committee bylaws” to invade their space at will “to make sure you’re following the rules.” Mr. and Mrs. Homeowner didn’t want to press charges for fear that would only “make things worse,” but they did want deputies to document the situation in case it gets worse anyway.

Ex posts facto

EVERGREEN – It’s getting to be a regular thing. The HOA president keeps erecting signs telling residents “where hikers should walk,” and a person or persons unknown keeps stealing the signs. Just days before, the HOA president explained to deputies on July 5, no fewer than four of the trail markers had been despoiled, three of them stolen outright and the fourth removed from its post and left in the dirt. If there was any good news to tell, it was that the 50 pounds of concrete anchoring two of the signs meant that the HOA president wouldn’t have to replace those two posts. He said he would, however, be investing in cameras to surveil any subsequent signage. The case is unresolved, and the trails are temporarily unregulated.

Vacation vexation

BROOK FOREST – Taking the good advice of a friend, on July 8 the visiting Sunshine State resident decided to sample Colorado’s more congenial climate along the pine-scented paths of Maxwell Falls. Unfortunately, while Sunshine State was busy admiring the forest primeval, somebody else was busy busting out the front passenger window of her rented Kia and making off with its contents. Of particular concern to Sunshine State was the theft of her Michael KorsCrossbody purse which contained, among other things, a “cheetah-print lanyard” holding her ready cash, her credit cards and her Alligator State-issued ID. It also contained an AirTag, which indicated that the purse was somewhere on Spruce Lane. With a nonrefundable homebound flight departing DIA at 4 a.m. on the 9th, Sunshine State insisted that deputies take themselves immediately to Spruce Lane, apprehend the thief and retrieveher belongings. Deputies pointed out that Spruce Lane is occupied by a “townhome complex” and they couldn’t very well “go door to door accusing people of theft,” meaning that her lucre laden lanyard would likely stay lost until they found a better trail to follow. Sunshine State “was not pleased with that answer.”

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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