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Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.
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50 years cold
CONIFER – The anxious homeowner summoned deputies after noticing suspicious marks around the deadbolt lock on her front door. Officers arrived quickly, and Anxious anxiously pointed out tell-tale chips in the door jamb next to the lock’s striker plate, several hairline cracks along the door’s edge near the deadbolt, and a suspicious series of “bumps” on the outside face of the door adjacent to the lock. She hadn’t seen those marks before, she explained, and feared somebody had tried to burgle the place in her absence. Upon examination, deputies discerned at least two coats of paint covering the aforementioned chips and bumps, completely dry wood putty filling the aforementioned cracks, and absolutely no sign of damage to either paint or putty. Officers concluded that the damage, such as it was, had occurred sometime during the Carter Administration, and that Anxious could relax.
List of grievances
EVERGREEN – Mr. and Mrs. Fitz showed deputies a crowbar laying in their yard. They said their neighbor, Mr. Payne, had thrown it there. Officers asked Mr. and Mrs. Fitz how they knew it was Mr. Payne who’d thrown the crowbar into their yard. Mr. and Mrs. Fitz said Mr. Payne had once knocked a side-view mirror off of Mrs. Fitz’s car and yelled at them when they made him pay for the damage. They said Mr. Payne’s little dog once threatened Mrs. Fitz, and he’d yelled at her for yelling at it. They said Mr. Payne once set his little dog upon one of their loose kittens, and when they rushed to rescue the kitten they’d found Mr. Payne attempting to strangle it. They said Mr. Payne once threw rocks at the side of their garage because he thought one of them had entered his house. They said Mr. Payne once told them “I’ve got a surprise for you next time you come in.” They said Mr. Payne once badgered a friend of theirs who’d parked his car too close to Mr. Payne’s property. They said Mr. Payne harasses anybody who parks in front of his house. They said Mr. Payne urinated on their vehicles and threw trash in their yard. They said Mr. Payne is a mean drunk who is drunk most of the time. They said Mr. Payne hates women. The officers asked Mr. and Mrs. Fitz if they had actually seen Mr. Payne throw the crowbar into their yard. They had not. Deputies bid them bye-bye.
White blight strikes by night
EVERGREEN – “Weird things” had been going on lately, she told deputies. About two weeks before she’d awakened to find a “white liquid substance” poured all over her lawn and attendant flower beds in a seemingly random pattern. She had no idea what the substance was, but it was certainly lethal to plant life because there were now haphazard lines of dead grass drawn about the yard and her flower beds were bloomless and barren. Then, just as she was getting her head around that landscaping catastrophe, somebody swiped the white wicker sofa off of her front porch and made off with the carved wooden bear she used to look at while sitting on the white wicker sofa. She didn’t report the incidents at first because she “loves” her neighbors and has no known enemies, but finally decided to let JCSO in on the situation in case the gremlins were hatching more havoc. Deputies suggested she install motion-activated floodlights to discourage further weirdness.
Open to interpretation
EVERGREEN – According to her statement, Ms Lexus arrived to work at about 8 a.m., prudently and routinely securing the vehicle by electronic key fob. Punching out at 5:30 p.m., she walked outside to discover both the car’s trunk and hood “popped, but not open” and the battery cold and unresponsive. After tele-consulting with her daughter, Lexus called JCSO to report possible attempted grand theft auto, or grand tampering auto at the very least. Although nothing appeared to be disturbed in, or missing from, the trunk, she told officers, she’d “never opened the hood before” and couldn’t authoritatively attest to that region’s integrity. Following a thorough examination of the car, the driver, and the fob, deputies concluded that Lexus had inadvertently popped the hatches while locking the doors that morning, giving the trunk light all day to suck the life out of the battery. They helped Lexus jump her car and closed the case.
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