Sheriff's Calls

Posted 7/19/22

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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Sheriff's Calls

Posted

Men at work

CONIFER – Flatlanders all, Chico, Harpo and Zeppo were cooling their heels on the street in Brighton on the morning of June 25 when Groucho approached. Groucho told the trio he’d “pay some wages” and “buy you cigarettes” in exchange for performing some odd jobs around his mountain manor. The three in agreement, Groucho drove them up the hill and put them to work. Chico hadn’t yet broken a sweat when he decided that Groucho was treating him and his compatriots “like (shinola)” and declared a general strike until Groucho coughed up some of the promised cigarettes. Hoping to stem the budding labor movement before it could spread, Groucho “hit (Chico) over the head with an aerosol spray can” and ejected him from the premises. Taking his termination in stride, Chico had just started walking back down the hill when he realized he “didn’t know where to go” and diverted to a random neighbor’s house where he called JCSO. Deputies dropped by Chez Groucho to find the master of the house unaccountably absent, but Harpo and Zeppo were still there and only too happy to confirm Chico’s version of events. In the end, Chico deemed his time better spent trying to get back down the mountain that trying prove an assault beef against Groucho. Officers suspended the case indefinitely and gave Chico a lift to the RTD terminal in Golden.

Back door man

INDIAN HILLS – Returning home on the night of June 22, she was surprised to find the front door’s manually operated interior security lock engaged, and alarmed to hear her ordinarily sedate dogs going ape in the back yard. Fearing an intruder within, she called JCSO, and a deputy peering in the front of the house perceived the backlit figure of a bearded man crouched on the deck in back of the house. Although officers quickly moved to encircle the prowler, he made a dash for the tree line and escaped into the woods. She couldn’t find anything missing or disturbed inside the home, and deputies couldn’t say for certain whether or not he’d ever gained entry. She thought it best to spend the rest of the night somewhere else, and officers thought it best to schedule extra patrols of the residence.

Collar ID

EVERGREEN – Platonic roommates Jerry and Elaine spent the evening of June 22 getting soused together. An argument broke out, as arguments will, about something stupid, and Elaine stood up and announced she was leaving because couldn’t tolerate Jerry’s company a moment longer. Jerry stood up to bar Elaine’s exit, saying she was in no condition to drive. The ensuing escalation of hostilities began with mutual shoving and ended with Elaine vigorously and persistently whipping Jerry about the face and head with a dog collar. Bruised and bleeding, Jerry broke free just long enough to dial 911. Possibly exhausted by her savage exertions, Elaine dropped the dog collar and stumbled away into the night. Jerry told deputies he didn’t want to get Elaine “in trouble,” he just wanted her to stop flogging him with the dog collar. Running a check on Elaine, deputies discovered that she was definitely in trouble, being at that time under a protection order prohibiting her from consuming alcohol. Deputies advised Jerry regarding county eviction processes and called it a night.

Gaia unplugged

EVERGREEN – For most people, the sight of young children joyfully splashing about in the crystal waters of a clear mountain stream would be gladdening. Harmony found it maddening. It seems Harmony is “very concerned with environmental conservation,” and witnessing that Norman Rockwell moment at Evergreen Lake on the afternoon of June 2 she became “very upset” to see the children “moving rocks in the stream.” She told the kids’ Dad to make them “stop disrupting nature.” Dad told Harmony to pound silt. “Mind your own business,” Dad said. Feeling like maybe Dad was “trying to intimidate me,” Harmony responded with a roaring cataract of profanities. Deputies summoned to mediate couldn’t find a crime within the testimonies, and Dad decided his children had had enough innocent joy for one day. 

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty. 

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