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Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.
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CONIFER – Following a two-week vacation, Concerned Mother arrived home to find her son, Stanley, sitting in the basement “acting weird.” Stanley announced that his no-account friend, Livingston, was coming over and the two of them were “going to drive to Africa.” Concerned asked Stanley if he was under the influence of anything untoward. “I’m not on drugs Mom,” Stanley had assured her. “I am the drugs.” When Livingston showed up at the front door as promised, Stanley came upstairs to meet him laden with a well-stuffed backpack and a large bag of clothes. Concern blocked Stanley’s path and told Livingston to leave without him. So determined was Stanley to set off for Africa with his no-account friend that he marched directly around Concerned and straight through the closed screen door, breaking the frame and leaving the wire mesh a twisted ruin on the ground. The two adventurers then climbed into Livingston’s rugged, and presumably buoyant, white Geo Metro and departed for, presumably, Africa. Thinking it likely the boys were too high to be driving to Africa or anywhere else, Concerned notified JCSO. She also told deputies of her concern that the chemically impressionable young fellows were “getting involved in some kind of strange religion through the Internet.” Deputies called Livingston’s house but didn’t get an answer. They assured Concerned they’d keep an eye out for the Metro and let her know if the two adventurers turn up.
Ligue des AmisStupides
EVERGREEN – It was totally bogus. Thrasher told deputies that he and his friend, Shredder, had been brushing up on their skateboard moves in a busy public commercial area. For safety, Thrasher had prudently surrendered his customized iPhone to Shredder for safekeeping. A good friend and no fool, Shredder had prudently placed the device on a dry, level, sturdy public bench seat where it would have little chance of falling off or being stepped on. Inexplicably, when Thrasher and Shredder came back to retrieve the phone more than an hour later, it was gone. As if that weren’t bogus enough, the person then in possession of his iPhone had activated its personalized “reject with text message” feature, meaning that every time Thrasher tried to contact the stolen phone he got brushed off with his own personalized “get lost” message. Since Thrasher had neglected to register with Apple’s “Find My iPhone” service, GPS tracking was pretty much a non-starter. Thrasher asked officers to be on the lookout for a black iPhone with “thrasher,” “diamond” and “belly-button” stickers on the case. Deputies promised to call…er…contact him if they found it.
EL RANCHO – To hear the Good Samaritan tell it, he was just trying to be nice. Pulling away from the fast food restaurant on the afternoon of April 26, Samaritan’s heart filled at the sight of a weathered supplicant soliciting alms on the corner. Heart filling with compassion, and fearing lest the slender mendicant may have missed a few meals, Samaritan bethought to bring Supplicant a gift of food in lieu of funds. When presented with a treasure of tasty calories, however, Supplicant “threw the lunch back at (Samaritan).” “I’m a Buddhist!” Supplicant squawked. “I don’t eat that kind of food!” His empathy instantly eclipsed by enmity, Samaritan treated Supplicant to a few choice verses from the Book of Wrath. Supplicant responded with a blazing benediction containing words found in no Sutra. A brief but bitter holy war ensued, prompting passersby to notify JCSO. Interestingly, Supplicant’s righteous recounting of the row harmonized almost perfectly with Samaritan’s, only with Samaritan in the role of Despoiler. Both men promised to follow their better angels henceforth, and civil authorities withdrew.
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