Sheriff's Calls

Posted 5/18/22

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.

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Sheriff's Calls

Posted

Bro-vocateur

CONIFER – The way Zeppo told it to deputies on April 18, shortly after he’d picked up his brother, Groucho, at the liquor store the night before, the ungrateful Groucho had punched him in the puss. Zeppo didn’t want to press charges against Groucho, but he hadn’t seen his surly sibling since and thought it prudent that officers look in on him. Deputies found Groucho at home appearing dapper and dandy and telling a very different tale. The way Groucho recounted it, Zeppo had been “taunting me” and “challenging me to fight,” and Groucho had merely obliged him with set of knuckles to the noodle. Groucho said he’d then left the vehicle in the interest of peace only to have Zeppo“tackle me” to the ground and rain blows upon Groucho’s bean. Deputies bade the battling brothers to behave better and boogied.

Focus!

EL RANCHO – Meeting deputies in a grocery store parking lot, Maddy Motorist said she’d been bedeviled on the boulevard and wanted the blighter busted. According to Maddy’s complaint, she’d been puttering along the parkway when ReddYoot fell in behind her and started leaning on his horn. Apparently not content with an audible assault, Redd next tried to “run me off the road,” and then roared around in front of her in a most menacing manner. Maddy escaped into the aforementioned grocery store parking lot, but Redd anticipated the maneuver and quickly pulled up in the parking spot next to hers. Leaping from his car, Redd stormed up to Maddy’s window cursing a blue streak. He accused Maddy of “texting while driving.” He took photographs of Maddy’s vehicle and said he was going to call the cops. When Redd got back in his car, Maddy sprang into action, taking photographs of his vehicle and vowing to call the cops. Redd was long gone by the time officers arrived, and Maddy’s hasty snapshot was sufficient only as photographic evidence that ReddYoot’sSUV was red. Probably. Red-ish, anyway. Definitely not blue. The case is stalled pending a more precise palette appraisal.  

Stupid drunk

EVERGREEN – Tooling about town, Daughter noticed a bearded man wearing a camouflage shirt driving a white van in an adjacent lane. The man appeared to be motioning her either to stop or to slow down. She did stop, but only to pick up a friend, which is when the white van pulled up alongside and its driver chastised her for speeding in a residential neighborhood. Not overly concerned, Daughter immediately started re-tooling, but quickly noticed that Mr. Camo was back on her six. Alarmed, she called home for advice and was advised to come home. Father was waiting in the front yard when she pulled up, followed in close order by the white van. Father called the stranger a “pervert” and told him to hit the bricks. The stranger just “pointed and shook his finger.” Father provided Camo’s license plate number to JCSO, and deputies paid him a call. Appearing to be half in the bag, Camotold officers he’d become angry at seeing Daughter “zooming by” and – presumably in the interest of traffic safety – decided to jump in van and track her down. Deputies told Camo he was lucky Father wasn’t pressing harassment charges, and even luckier they hadn’t caught him behind the wheel. Camo said he’d been “stupid” and would henceforth leave traffic enforcement to the professionals.

Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.

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