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Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.
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A likely story
CONIFER – Boyfriend stood in the driveway, apprehensive. He doesn’t go inside, he told deputies, because Girlfriend’s on the warpath. What’s got her back up? officers wanted to know. She found some “pretty dirty” emails between him and another girl, Boyfriend said, but it’s all just a “big misunderstanding.” A buddy had “used my account” to send the damning dispatches. Deputies relayed that line to Girlfriend, who didn’t buy it either. Officers stood by while Boyfriend collected some belongings and retreated down the road.
Ice cold case
EVERGREEN – She kept her grandmother’s “heirloom jewelry” in a bag, she told deputies on the morning of April 11, and she feared the bag had been boosted. She’d discovered the valuable sack of sentiment missing back in January and, having failed to find it, in the weeks and months since, she needed a sheriff’s report to assure her insurers. For the sake of due diligence, deputies asked her if she’d had any tradesmen in the house. She had not. Officers asked if she’d opened her doors to anyone else. She recalled having some friends in residence “at about the time they went missing,” but she refused to believe her compadres were crooked, or to provide officers with any information about them. Deputies explained that her report won’t be complete until she submits an itemized accounting of the absent ornaments, which tally she promised to turn in betimes.
EVERGREEN – It was a whole big thing. Lulu was yelling at Lily, Lily was yelling at Lulu, Lulu’s boy was yelling at Lily, Lily was yelling at Lulu’s boy, and somewhere in there Lulu was trying to pack a U-Haul trailer and move away to Maryland. Why all the caterwaul? deputies asked Lulu. Lulu said her husband had shared a Lewinsky Moment with Lily, which had resulted in general upheaval within their micro-community, which resulted in her renting a U-Haul trailer with which to move away to Maryland. Lily is a “sociopath,” said Lulu, who’s been yelling at her son and trying to “ruin my life.” What’s all the fuss? deputies asked Lily. Lily said Lulu was overreacting. She said Lulu’s 12-year-old son had been saying mean things to her 17-year-old daughter, so she’d naturally come to her daughter’s defense against the boy. Seeking an objective third-party perspective, officers questioned a neighbor, Lola. Lola said she’d come outside to screen the scene and observed Lily going all PG-13 on Lulu’s boy, causing Lulu’s boy to break down in tears. Deputies asked Lola what, exactly, Lily had said that so consternated Lulu’s boy. Lola said that whenever Lily yells at Lulu’s boy – which is fairly often – it’s generally along the lines of “Your mom’s a slut!” Since no punches were thrown and Lulu was moving away to Maryland, deputies packed it in.
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