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Sheriff’s Calls is intended as a humorous take on some of the incident call records of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office for the mountain communities. Names and identifying details have been changed. All individuals are innocent until proven guilty.
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CONIFER – Busily painting the town, Diamond Jim and Sugar Ray stumbled into the next saloon listed on their evening’s itinerary and joined a small group of acquaintances. Feeling simultaneously under- and over-served, Diamond Jim ordered a round of shots for the table and staggered off to the Little Inebriate’s Room. Returning emptier and thirstier, he was furious to discover that Sugar Ray had given his shot to a late-coming paisano. Diamond Jim signaled his displeasure with ugly curses and bitter recriminations. Sugar Ray signaled his with a ferocious right to Diamond Jim’s kisser. After the bartender kicked Sugar Ray out the door, Diamond Jim called JCSO. He wasn’t looking to press charges, Diamond Jim explained. He just thought deputies should “talk to” Sugar Ray and “tell him not to hit people.” Exactly where Sugar Ray was at that moment Diamond Jim had no idea, nor had he any clue what Sugar Ray’s last name is, or where he lives, or just how he might be located. Deputies promised that if someone identifying themselves as Sugar Ray should spontaneously approach them that evening in the course of their patrols, they would deliver to that person Diamond Jim’s hopeful message of peace.
EVERGREEN – The HOA president was a might miffed. His administration had generously, and considerable HOA expense, erected stern and attractive signage directing pedestrians to tread only approved HOA pathways, and yet a handful of hard-headed hikers continued to blaze their own unapproved wildcat walkway through HOA wetlands. Worse, on Nov. 28 it had been brought to his presidential attention that his sightly signage had been swiped. The HOA president had suspects in mind, and on Dec. 15 he directed JCSO deputies’ attention to Sam Scoundrel and Rodney Rogue, a pair of local homeowners who’d been particularly vocal in opposition to HOA trail restrictions. Queried for comment, Scoundrel and Rogue denied stealing the signs. Informed of their denials, the HOA president hoped that the visit from JCSO would suffice to suppress the rascals’ supposedly subversive sensitivities.
Now sneer this
EVERGREEN – The complainant and his neighbor have been engaged in a zoning feud for months. Pulling his car out of the driveway on the afternoon of Dec. 12, the complainant encountered his neighbor afoot. For reasons never made entirely plain, Neighbor “signaled” Complainant with one hand, holding up first one finger, and then two, in a compound gesture Complainant interpreted as “one or two minutes.” As Neighbor approached his vehicle, Complainant warned him to keep a safe distance “due to the pandemic.” In response, Neighbor “sneered” and said “I’m going make more trouble for you than you can handle.” “Is that a threat?” Complainant wanted to know. “It’s a promise,” Neighbor assured him. Complainant called JCSO to report the grim guarantee. Deputies explained to Complainant that, while certainly un-neighborly, Neighbor’s comments were not unlawful. Complainant proposed he engineer another chance “encounter” with Neighbor for the purpose of getting some threatening statements on tape. Officers counseled against that course of action, advising Complainant to keep a long arm’s reach between himself and Neighbor for the foreseeable future. Complainant cautiously concurred.
Third time’s the crime
EVERGREEN – According to the building manager, on Dec. 13 a certain troublesome tenant took three packages not addressed to him from the mailbox area. Confronted by deputies, Troublesome admitted taking the packages, but insisted he’d done so for the single purpose of “delivering them” to the intended recipients “in a proper manner.” Deputies located Package One in the hands of its addressee, who’d found it placed in front of her apartment door. Package Two was discovered “under a rock” very near the apartment of its addressee and successfully delivered. Package Three turned up inside Troublesome’s unit, contents removed and packaging neatly deposited in his waste can. Deputies cited Troublesome for the theft of Package Three.
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