Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


A first-class flub

EVERGREEN — On the evening of Sept. 29, a sharp-eyed deputy cruising along Evergreen Parkway noticed the back hatch of one of several “blue box” mail receptacles in front of the post office hanging open. Numerous defenseless letters rested in the tote-bin inside. Unable to raise anybody inside the branch installation, the officer contacted the trunk office, and postal authorities promised to send somebody right up to secure the vulnerable vessel. On closer examination the deputy could find no sign of tampering or force, suggesting the lapse was more feckless than felonious. The officer had intended to stay on the scene until the situation was resolved, but was drawn away on a medical call. The box remained open and unguarded for an undetermined amount of time before a postal representative closed the hatch and JCSO closed the case.


Going manic on the mechanic

EVERGREEN — Tinker arrived at his Peace Chance Trail home on the afternoon of Sept. 25 to find an angry note from Temper stuck to his front door. Tinker had just begun reading the angry note when Temper showed up, still angry. Temper didn’t like the way Tinker had fixed his car, and said so loudly, repeatedly, and in starkly antagonistic terms. When Temper “chest-bumped” Tinker, Tinker dialed 911. When Tinker dialed 911, Temper took a powder. Deputies soon caught up with Temper, who assured them he’d been the soul of reason, completely non-confrontational, never raising his voice above a mild “conversational tone” and certainly never attacking Tinker with his torso. “I was a cop,” Temper declared. “I wouldn’t do that.” Curiously, and somewhat contradictorily, as the deputies were leaving Temper was overheard muttering, “If this had happened to anyone else, they’d be furious, too.” Since Tinker wasn’t interested in pursuing charges, officers left Temper to stew in non-confrontational peace.



EVERGREEN — The two conscientious students walked into the campus supervisor’s office on the morning of Sept. 27 with a disturbing report. They had just discovered a pair of unopened beer cans in one of the school’s aluminum recycling bins. The supervisor immediately seized the forbidden refreshments and took them to the school’s JCSO resource officer. Together, the two officials pored over the school’s surveillance tapes, but, alas, were unable to catch the illicit recyclers in the Earth-friendly act. Concluding that the proscribed potables had been in the bin for some time, they dumped that sparkling amber tonic down the copy-area sink, secured the empty containers in a fresh white trash bag, and placed them with the school’s outgoing trash, where they couldn’t taint the institution’s reservoir of righteous recyclables.


Counter fit

CONIFER — On the afternoon of Sept. 28, Dad sent Son and Ulysses Grant into the King’s Valley gas-mart to pre-pay for a tank of unleaded. Holding the celebrated Hero of Appomattox up to the light, Clerk couldn’t find the “vertical strips” she was looking for and seized our 18th president as bogus. Dad insisted the bill was merely an “older” model that rolled off the press before “vertical strips” came into vogue. Clerk insisted the bill was counterfeit and fled into the “employees only” area in back of the store with it. Seeing 50 smackers disappearing before his eyes, Dad followed her, demanding his money back. Clerk stuck to her guns, and Dad retreated to the parking lot to wait for the cops. Deputies quickly certified “Unconditional Surrender” to be the real McCoy and placed him back in Dad’s custody. Clerk declined to press charges, but said she “couldn’t understand why he was so upset if the bill was legitimate.” Officers explained to Clerk that simply seizing money that didn’t meet her expectations was bound to ruffle some feathers, and suggested that thenceforth she report her suspicions to JCSO and leave the Grant-grabbing to superior forces. Officers explained to Dad that, even though his cash was good, his “poor choices” during the engagement could have resulted in harassment and/or trespassing charges. With both sides in full surrender, deputies retired from the field.