Sheriff's Calls

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A natural disaster

EVERGREEN — ‘Twas morning in the grove when an angry artisan called JCSO to report aggravated pottery battery. Sometime during the night of Aug. 25, he told deputies, oafs unknown entered his 100-square-foot white canvas gallery on Timbervale Drive and smashed several exquisite vases and bowls with malice aforethought. Employing the subtle arts of criminal investigation, officers perceived a pattern — an expanding ring of cracked crockery centered on a single tall vase that formerly stood against the stall’s pliant wall. It seemed likely, they surmised, that an art-loving dog, deer, elk or even bear (one had been reported in the neighborhood only hours before) had inadvertently bumped the booth and set his costly dominoes a-falling. The unlucky potter requested a copy of the report for insurance purposes.


This land is your land(fill)

EVERGREEN — Everybody feels dumped on sometimes, but for the woman who called JCSO on the afternoon of Aug. 24, it was more than a figure of speech. Sometime during the last few weeks, she told deputies, persons unknown had dropped a load on her Singing Springs Drive property, which dastardly endowment included several tires, an empty propane tank, sundry scrap plywood and a croquet stick. Similar unsightly deposits seem to appear about once a year, she continued, and they always show up on the trespassing side of a gate clearly marked “Private Property.” Officers arranged for an extra patrol of the area. The complainant arranged for a new set of surveillance cameras.


Your friend in the payment solutions business

ASPEN PARK — The first time the tenacious telemarketer called on Aug. 23, the Conifer Road restaurateur was polite, but plain — thanks, but I have no need for the services of “Everest Payment Solutions.” When the same fellow called back a few moments later from a blocked number, the conversation slid from product promotion to toxic taunts. “Try to trace this call, you (funky ash-pole)!” snarled the anonymous annoyance. The third time the phone rang, the badgered businessman listened to perhaps 10 seconds of random filth and abuse before dishing up some of his own. “Hey, (unprofessional company representative), I am not interested!” When forthright speech failed to strike a responsive chord, the restaurateur called JCSO, and a deputy called “Everest Payment Solutions.” According to company spokesman “Marty Friend,” Everest Payment Solutions consists of himself and one partner, is based in Florida, does no business west of the Mississippi, and never solicits clients over the phone. Marty said nefarious agencies unknown must be twisting his telephone to pernicious purposes. For now, the cussed-out cook’s case is on JCSO’s back burner.


Sound advice

CONIFER — The portable personal power plant on Krashin Drive was generating mostly ill will from some Rex Lane homeowners. On the morning of Aug. 25, one of the exasperated neighbors asked JCSO to come out and measure the generator’s racket profile, saying the machine runs “non-stop” and is almost certainly in violation of local noise ordinances. A dutiful deputy parked his decibel meter first in front of the gas-powered residence, netting an average sound level of about 48 decibels. He next sampled the sound at the intersection of Krashin Drive and Rex Lane, registering an average commotion-quotient of 34 decibels. Finally, he listened in from the complainant’s address, picking up about 35 decibels of combustive clamor. Since all readings were below the 50-decibel limit prescribed by law, the officer recommended a quiet conference with county mediators.