You may know his wife, ‘Cher’
PINE — The lord of 35 woody acres in the Amerind Springs area called JCSO on Aug. 12 to protest persistent perforation problems. According to his complaint, he’d just discovered that some malicious marksman had perniciously peppered a “No Trepassing” sign posted at the bottom of a gulley about 250 yards from his house. Although he couldn’t recall hearing gunfire in the area, he was certain the stricken sign had been undamaged back in June, and he was reasonably sure the culprit was his neighbor, “Bob,” no last name. In fact, he’s pretty sure that “Bob” is responsible for a lot of the weird stuff that happens in his private forest primeval from time to time, which is why he’s getting ready to file a civil suit against him. While sympathetic, deputies explained that they’d need more than a first name and second-hand suspicions to put the squeeze on “Bob.” The complainant offered to turn over a selection of spent .22-caliber shell casings he’d collected at the scene of the crime. While grateful, the officers suggested he call them back when he collects a last name, phone number, address, or a picture of “Bob” shooting up his sign.
A fine mess
TURKEY CREEK ROAD — The woman who called JCSO on Aug. 12 may have been too busy trash-talking her neighbors to recognize her misfortune as a signal event in the annals of litterbuggery. Somebody, it seems, dumped a pile of garbage 6 feet high and 12 feet across in front of a gate on her property. When determined and decidedly disagreeable digging revealed that the majestic mound had been meticulously sanitized of any scrap that might identify its original owner, she immediately suspected the hateful hands of a certain couple with which she’s embroiled in long-running litigation. She was notifying JCSO on the advice of counsel, she explained, but there was no point in an official investigation, as her husband had already disposed of the mountain of evidence. A deputy suggested that surveillance cameras might deter additional deposits. She said she already had a game camera watching the yard, although it didn’t actually take pictures. The officer filed the report and disposed of the case.
(Insert Yankee-fan joke here)
EVERGREEN — Enjoying the early morning quiet on Aug. 11, the Skyline Drive resident was accompanying his canine companion on its 7:30 constitutional when a dark green Toyota Tundra roared past. The driver — a man in his late teens or early 20s — shouted something like “(Shuck) your dog!”, then skidded to a violent halt in front of a bank of mailboxes where the young fellow in the passenger seat proceeded to beat the living daylights out of the luckless letter receptacles. The dazed dog walker mustered just enough wits to note the New York Yankees sticker on the Tundra’s rear passenger window and its specialty Colorado license plates before the vicious vandals vamoosed. Of the three battered boxes, one had been ravaged beyond repair, while the other two suffered relatively minor mauling suggestive of collateral damage. Deputies left the scene with photographs, tire-tread samples, and a fair shot at pegging the punks.