Sheriff's Calls

One egg, over hard

EVERGREEN – The Lightning Lane resident, who summoned deputies on the morning of June 13, did her best to make their job easy. She first directed their attention to the crime — a single egg smashed against the side of her house — and next proffered some ready-made suspects in the persons of some neighbor kids on adjacent Aspen Lane. In the past, she explained, similar poultry peltings had targeted her back fence, which stood an easy throw from the alleged hellions’ back porch. The last time she and her husband spent a tiresome morning erasing an eggy outrage, the presumed perps had watched them with what she took for more than casual interest, and she suspected the spectacle of her toil had so delighted the little rascals that they’d booked her for a second show. Officers noted that the house next to the complainant’s also sported a single smooshed Double-A, and discovered an empty egg carton “conspicuously left” beneath the complainant’s mailbox. They promised to call if they crack the case.

Teed off about a ‘t’ off

EVERGREEN – On the evening of June 16, a process server pulled up to a house on Alta Vista Drive, knocked on the door, and asked the cleaning lady to produce Oliver. Instead, the cleaning lady produced a man, who said his name was Revilo, and demanded she get off’n his proppity. Discouraged, the process server got back in her car and occupied several minutes updating some paperwork, after which interval Revilo stormed outside and said if she didn’t scram pronto, he’d “get a gun and shoot you away.” The process server called JCSO to report mortal menacing. Responding officers contacted Revilo who, to nobody’s surprise, was really Oliver, and asked what he’d meant by “shoot you away.” Oliver said he’d asked the process server to leave the driveway nice-like the first time, but when she refused to go before her paperwork was finished, he had, in fact, threatened to “get a gun and shoo you away.” The cleaning lady told officers that she’d felt menaced by the hyper-aggressive process server. The deputies told Oliver the process server had a right to be on his property to perform her right and proper office. They told the process server than hanging around after being told to leave was neither right, nor proper, and could land her in a peck o’ trouble. His cover blown, Oliver wound up with unwanted documents, although not from the deputies.

Borderline neurotics

SOUTH TURKEY CREEK – Having spent entirely too much time there in the past, the deputies knew the way to the Yegge Road battleground by heart. On the morning of June 13, it happened to be Walter calling to complain about Jack’s trespassing ways. Just a short time earlier, Walter complained, a survey crew hired by Jack had re-mapped the frontier between their respective dominions. After the crew left, Jack and two other men came out to string a line between the new property markers, during which operation Jack boldly encroached several feet into his yard. Walter said he didn’t care if Jack’s hired men trod his territory “within reason,” but under no circumstances was Jack to set foot upon his sacred ground, and he wanted him charged with trespassing. While Walter and the deputies were scouting the lines, Jack approached to say that, whatever despicable tales Walter was spinning, he’d never laid a single Hush Puppy on Walter’s property. Walter responded with fresh digital photographs clearly showing Jack galloping about Walter’s yard like the whole Seventh Cavalry. Jack was cited for third-degree trespassing and retired from the field.

Pet peeves

PINE – When he’s away at work, Skippy leaves his bull mastiff, Cujo, tied up in his fenced back yard. Sometimes, when Cujo’s tied up in Skippy’s fenced back yard, Lassie comes over from next door, unties Cujo and pets him and plays with him and feeds him nutritious snacks. Skippy told Lassie to quit coddling Cujo. Lassie burst into tears and accused Skippy of mean mastering. On the evening of June 12, Skippy came home to find a 100-foot spool of wire sitting in the fenced yard next to Cujo and assumed it was a pointed gift from Lassie, who made no bones about the fact she thought Cujo’s lead was too short. Skippy called JCSO, and the responding deputy asked Lassie if she’d left the wire in Skippy’s yard. Lassie admitted indulging Cujo in the past but said she hadn’t doted on the dog since Skippy barked at her about it, and swore she didn’t know anything about the accusing spool. The officer explained to Lassie the potentially serious consequences that could result from pampering Skippy’s pooch without his permission. Lassie relented. Skippy seemed satisfied. Cujo kept quiet. The deputy departed.