Sheriff's Calls

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A visit from Saint Pickled-puss

EL RANCHO — ’Twas the night upon Christmas, and all through the lodging house, every creature was stirring, listening to the souse. “We’re in town for a wedding,” Mom would later contend, “and we’d all been drinking for days without end.” Dad said that Son came back smashed and contentious; started hollering insults both loud and offens-ious. “Son!” Mom demanded, “now stifle your riot!” “Make me!” Son snarled, in no mood for quiet. Dad quickly leapt to his lady’s defense. Son leapt on Dad, and the fighting commenced. His evening in shambles, his house all awake, the manager called Jeffco. “Send help, for cripe’s sake!” Deputies found Son parked outside in the cold. “I drank way too (festive) much,” he belched, no longer so bold. Nobody wanted Son charged with a crime, “but he can’t stay here,” said Dad. “We all need some time.” The officers tucked Son in the back of their sleigh, and whisked him off to detox. “On Dasher! Away!”


He seems quite industrious these days

EVERGREEN — The Rainbow Hill Road resident believed he was being harassed online, and on the morning of Dec. 29 he asked deputies to pull his tormentor’s plug. According to his statement, a certain obnoxious person was posting scandalous and false allegations against him on Idledale.Nextdoor.com, including thinly veiled intimations that the complainant harbored an unwholesome fondness for minors. He believed his anti-social-media critic to be a former co-worker with whom he’d never gotten along on account of the man’s “poor work ethic,” and with whom he’d had no contact in more than 10 years. The complainant further said he’d talked to Idledale.Nextdoor’s system administrator and had the incendiary posts removed, but deputies quickly ascertained that the rascal was waging similar attacks on other community websites. Unfortunately, the officers concluded, since the posts were neither threatening nor overly specific, they were protected by the First Amendment and not subject to criminal action. On the other hand, the deputies pointed out, they looked a lot like defamation of character and might not stand up too well in civil court.



CONIFER — It was a very modern crime. Apparently of its own volition, explained Billy Gaetz, his “Android phone” had “connected” with his computer and thereby collected a quantity of sensitive “personal information” in a “dropbox” file. It then sent the information-rich “dropbox” file he knew not where via an “unsecured router” before deleting all evidence of its crime, along with an assortment of his “personal files.” Gaetz suspected the culprit was an “app” called “Track My Boyfriend/Girlfriend” that had mysteriously appeared on his “Android phone” and that he was certain he didn’t “download” himself. Gaetz told deputies the “app” was developed in “Russia” as a “Trojan program” for the single and sinister purpose of recruiting “Android phones” to gather the “personal information” of unsuspecting geeks. An arrest is expected just as soon as officers figure out how to slap handcuffs on an “app.”


A riled ride

CONIFER — Minnie Motorist was mortified. Motoring north on U.S. Highway 285 near Meyer Ranch on the morning of Dec. 27, she’d perceived a slow-moving “tanker truck” in her path and moved into the left lane to pass. That maneuver apparently riled the “bleach-blonde” 40-something roaring up from behind in a silver 2007 Mazda, because she instantly steered into the right lane with the object of passing Minnie’s black Jeep before she came abreast of the truck. She only narrowly succeeded, careening back into the left lane in front of Minnie with only inches to spare and forcing Minnie to slam on the brakes. It was Minnie’s turn to be riled, and she sped up to get Blondie’s license-plate number. More riled than ever, Blondie slowed down, effectively “trapping” Minnie in the left lane, and kept her in that box all the way down to the “twisties” on the other side of Indian Hills, all the while “flipping” Minnie “off” and threatening her with what Minnie took for a “pink handgun.” Exiting South Turkey Creek Canyon in a state of supreme riled-ness, Minnie pulled off the highway and reported Blondie’s bad behavior. Eventually tracking Blondie to an address in Bailey, deputies caught up with her by phone and asked after her morning’s travels. Blondie said she remembered honking at an inattentive driver in a black Jeep, and recalled that vehicle following her down the canyon, but swore she never considered the matter rile-worthy. She also denied owning a pink handgun, saying: “I didn’t even know they made pink handguns.” Lacking independent witnesses to back up either woman’s story, deputies passed on the case.