Crime and condiment
EL RANCHO — Turning left from a four-way stop on the morning of Dec. 11, mild-mannered Marty Milquetoast was forced to hit the brakes when Impetuous Pete wrongfully seized the right-of-way. Milquetoast leaned on the horn, prompting Impetuous to shoot him “a look” that set his nerves on edge. After parking, Milquetoast scanned the big-box store’s big parking lot and quickly identified Impetuous prowling the aisles as if looking for something besides a convenient place to park. Sure enough, coming upon Milquetoast’s car, Impetuous leaned out his window and tossed “an orange sauce” on the vehicle’s front passenger window. Milquetoast provided JCSO with a full report that included Impetuous’ license plate number, saying he wanted to pursue charges because he was “sick of things like this.” Contacted by deputies at home, Impetuous admitted impetuously throwing “chicken nugget dipping sauce” on Milquetoast’s car, but said Milquetoast had been “going, like, 40” in the parking lot, which made him angry because he’d had a small child in his vehicle. Informed that Milquetoast was pressing a second-degree tampering charge against him, Impetuous informed deputies he wanted to press a countercharge of “going, like, 40” against Milquetoast. Too little too late, said officers, explaining that unsupported accusations made long after the fact just don’t cut the honey-mustard.
The horse pesterer
EVERGREEN — When the Timbervale resident found her corral gate open and her horses at large on the morning of Dec. 9, she thought it suspicious. When she discovered a single set of footprints in the fresh snow leading to the gate and her little herd again illicitly liberated on the morning of Dec. 13, she thought her suspicions confirmed. According to the complainant’s JCSO report, a woman living at her home is engaged in a custody dispute, and she believes the father of that woman’s children is letting her horses out for no better reason than to make trouble for the household. Advised that placing a lock on the corral gate might effectively close down that avenue of alleged harassment, the complainant said such a measure would be unsafe for the horses. Lacking evidence of a specific suspect, or, for that matter, of an actual crime, officers documented the incident and suggested the complainant call again if the equestrian emancipations continue.
CONIFER — As much as anything, it was a clash of ideologies. Believing that honesty is the best policy, and having finally set a wedding date, Girlfriend wanted to come clean and tell her kids that Boyfriend had still technically been married to his previous wife when they’d started dating. On the principle that what the kids didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them, or make him look bad, Boyfriend insisted on sustaining the coverup indefinitely. They argued the question for several hours, during which time Girlfriend nourished her polemical skills with regular and frequent wine infusions. When the debate threatened to go beyond mere rhetoric, deputies were summoned to moderate. “She gets like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when she drinks,” Boyfriend explained. As it happened, Girlfriend was long gone by the time officers arrived at the Kings Valley home, possibly rushing to the library for additional source materials. In any case, deputies deemed the dialectic discourteous but not destructive, and called for a close of contention.
Her cheeks like roses, nose like a cherry
CONIFER — Mister and Missus Klaus went to a Christmas party. As people often do under such circumstances, Missus Klaus partook freely of a large selection of powerful holiday potables. The clock was creeping toward midnight when Mister Klaus noticed Randy Bumble chatting up Missus Klaus with an extra-festive gleam in his eye. Mister Klaus stepped in and told Bumble to beat it, then resumed his merry mixing. For reasons not made entirely clear, Missus Klaus chased Mister Klaus down and accused him of “not doing enough to defend my honor.” Sensing a conniption commencing, Mister Klaus put his wife in the car and got her out of there before she could explode all over the party. Once back at their Conifer Mountain Drive workshop, and for reasons never fully explained, Missus Klaus dialed 911. Mister Klaus assured deputies that neither had laid a mittened hand on the other, and that the Missus just gets “emotionally irrational” when she’s been into the nog. Missus Klaus assured deputies that she was really, really mad about something that she couldn’t think of at that precise moment, but promised to stay away from the Mister until she sobered up and leave the phone alone until morning. Deputies bid all a good night.