Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

Gonna be a long flight home

EL RANCHO — Pamela and Tommy Lee were in town for a wedding, during which loved ones were united in holy matrimony, followed by a wedding reception, during which the couple made lavish use of the open bar. About 9:30 p.m. Pamela decided it was time to go back to the hotel and started trolling the room for Tommy, who, it turned out, was already back in Room 311 getting a head start on his hangover. Catching a ride with another guest, Pamela stomped into Room 311 and sought to open a dialogue on Tommy’s thoughtless abandonment. Still half asleep, Tommy told Pamela that discourse of any kind would be impossible until morning. Pamela forged ahead anyway, ably holding up both ends of the conversation until Tommy announced he was abandoning her again, this time for a friend’s room where he stood a fighting chance of getting some drunken shut-eye. Pamela sat down in front of the door so Tommy couldn’t leave. Tommy left anyway. Pamela tracked Tommy to his friend’s room and picked up right where she’d left off. By then somewhat revived, Tommy joined in on the discussion, informing Pamela that first thing in the morning he planned to initiate divorce proceedings and would be seeking sole custody of their children. Displeased by the direction their discourse was taking, Pamela “flicked” her beer bottle in the door and departed for Room 311. Tommy called JCSO to complain that Pamela “hit me in the head with a bottle” and “kicked me in the stomach.” While pretty much everybody in the hotel heard the couple exchanging oaths, nobody saw any booting or bottling. Deputies suggested that Tommy let Pamela have Room 311 to herself for the rest of the night and they could discuss their anti-wedding plans by the light of day. That advice received a favorable reception.

Imperfect strangers

EVERGREEN — For the time being, Cousin Larry told deputies on Dec. 7, he wanted his report kept confidential. According to Cousin Larry’s report, Cousin Balki had recently found him a job in the area and invited him to depart the frigid Midwest and share his Brook Forest home. The arrangement worked out well enough until Dec. 5, when Cousin Larry couldn’t find his aluminum foil. He asked Cousin Balki to disclose the whereabouts of the durable kitchen wrap. Cousin Balki directed Cousin Larry’s attention to a certain cupboard. Cousin Larry, who described himself to officers as “very organized,” informed Cousin Balki that “normal people” wouldn’t keep their aluminum foil in that location. By Cousin Larry’s account, Cousin Balki responded by throwing a quantity of plastic food wrap, which hit him, and a dart board, which didn’t. Cousin Larry told officers there’d been no further dust-ups in the Balki household, but he wanted the incident documented against further friction. In parting, deputies advised Cousin Larry to consider finding other lodgings, since he and Cousin Balki clearly have “different lifestyles.”


Gun on the run

BUFFALO CREEK — Dan’l Bone took his arsenal out for some exercise on the afternoon of Nov. 29, letting the passel of peashooters spend a pleasant couple of hours perforating paper targets in the vicinity of Redskin Creek Road. They were having so much fun, in fact, that he allowed them to blast away until well into the dusky evening before wrangling them into the car for the drive home. Unfortunately, back at the ranch he was chagrined to discover that one of his prized pet pistols, a handsome Smith & Wesson Model 22A-1, didn’t make the trip. Dan’l went back to the shooting grounds expecting to find the runaway revolver frolicking among the trees, but the playful piece had taken a powder. Dan’l asked JCSO to write up a lost handgun report, and promised to let deputies know if the frisky firearm finds its way home.


E-gregious E-mbellishments

CONIFER — The vacant Kings Valley commercial building got some unwelcome exterior refurbishment on the night of Dec. 3, and deputies were summoned to jury the work. Covert craftsmen unknown had applied aerosol accents to four pillars on the structure’s north side under the cover of darkness. While not claiming any particular expertise in the visual arts, deputies nonetheless noted that the dubious dilettantes seemed to have unwholesome fixations on the letter “E,” the number “6,” cats, and the male reproductive apparatus. Because building management could offer no suspects, officers asked to examine the site’s surveillance tapes. Because the building’s surveillance cameras are purely representational, building management couldn’t provide any. The case remains unsolved and unsightly.