Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

Both sides now

EVERGREEN — Side A: Tesla said he was carefully and safely backing out of his Buchanan Rec Center parking spot on Thanksgiving morning when he noticed iPhone approaching on foot wearing ear-buds and fiddling with his PDA. He stopped immediately to allow iPhone to pass, but instead of passing iPhone roared, “You almost hit me!” and began a long and profane monologue culminating with, “What’s your problem, you hippie in an electric car?!” Seeing a couple walking by on the sidewalk, iPhone yelled, “Watch out! He might run you over!” The couple remarked that “it’s Thanksgiving. You should call the police.” Tesla summoned deputies to say he feared iPhone might commit violence against his vehicle. Side B: IPhone said he was innocently and alertly consulting his GPS app to see how far he’d just run when Tesla recklessly almost ran over him. “Wow,” he’d remarked to Tesla, calmly, “you almost ran over me.” “I know,” Tesla sneered. “Why don’t you get off your phone?” Not wanting any trouble, iPhone pleasantly suggested that Tesla “get out of here in your electric car,” at which Tesla started “rooting around in his trunk,” causing iPhone to feel frightened. Tesla then launched into a long and profane monologue culminating with, “You don’t know who you’re messing with! I’m ex-military!” Noting the fracas, a couple walking by on the sidewalk remarked: “It’s Thanksgiving. Why don’t you just go your own ways?” iPhone said he wished he’d called the cops before Tesla did. Coda: Deputies concluded that neither tune was going to make the hit parade and told both turkeys to cool it.

Pilgrims’ progress impeded

EVERGREEN — Chester was driving alone along Buffalo Creek Road on Thanksgiving morning when Enos, in company with his wife and daughter, fell in behind him. Chester decided Enos was following too closely and screeched to a stop in the middle of the road, marched back to where Enos sat idling, and rather graphically demanded that he “back off.” As Chester swaggered back to his car, Enos and Family proceeded around him onto eastbound Buffalo Park Road. As soon as Chester caught up, Enos slowed to a crawl and started weaving across both lanes to prevent Chester from passing. Finally arriving at the County Road 73 intersection, Chester began moving toward the left-turn lane. Sitting in the right-turn lane, Enos divined Chester’s intention and bolted left, forcing Chester into the thankfully empty opposing traffic lane. As the light was still red, Chester jumped out of his car and kicked the stuffing out of Enos’s driver-side rearview mirror. At the green, Enos proceeded directly across the highway to JCSO’s mountain substation, and Chester followed. After getting an earful on both accounts, deputies told both men they’d acted like mooks and should both be thankful they weren’t about to eat their holiday meal with a plastic spoon off a JCSO tray.


Light opera

CONIFER — Mr. Wintz called JCSO just about one year after the last time he called JCSO, and for the same reason. According to his report of Nov. 29, his neighbor, Mr. Bright, resents him for building his house just about one year ago in the middle of Mr. Bright’s view, and has ever since been waging a systematic campaign of light-harassment against Chez Wintz, illuminating attacks that Wintz scrupulously logs and videotapes. Most recently, said Wintz, Bright has been flashing his high beams repeatedly and at length directly into his living room windows. Asked by deputies to explain that rather unusual behavior, Bright told deputies that it’s just Wintz’s tough luck that he likes to park facing the Wintz place, and that repeatedly flashing his high-beams is simply his preferred method for “calling my dog in.” Said Bright: “This is America. I can do what I want.” Deputies told Bright that he can park and flash and call his dog any way he likes, but if he knows it’s bugging Wintz, he could find himself in a dark place, legally speaking. Bright suggested Wintz get better drapes. Officers suggested Jeffco mediation services, which didn’t work just about one year ago because neither Wintz nor Bright wanted to be the first to blink. As deputies departed, hopes for a happy resolution appeared dim.