Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

Recounting error

El RANCHO — This is how Axed told it: About noon Oct. 10, Boss called Axed into his office for the purpose of firing him. Taking the blow manfully, Axed departed the office with admirable dignity that was somewhat spoiled when he “accidentally” kicked over a cup of coffee left on a box outside Boss’ door. Seeing the mess, Boss had “gone crazy … punching and kicking” Axed grievously and repeatedly. Axed wanted Boss charged with assault. This is how Boss told it: About noon Oct. 10, Boss called Axed into his office and fired him. Storming out, Axed deliberately kicked over a cup of coffee. Sensing more messy demonstrations to come, Boss rushed out, grabbed Axed by his uniform collar and shoved him out the front door without resorting to any punches, kicks, or other assault-type embellishments. On his way to the unemployment line, however, Axed did manage to plant a fist in Boss’ kisser. This is how the store security cameras told it: The way Boss told it. Feeling suddenly generous, Axed decided not to pursue charges against Boss after all.



EVERGREEN — Southbound on Bergen Parkway on the evening of Oct. 11, Goober believed Gomer was following him too closely. Knowing courtesy to be contagious, Goober gave Gomer a friendly “brake-check” to remind him of the proper separation between vehicles. Perhaps to signal his gratitude, Gomer swerved around Goober and offered a neighborly “brake-check” in kind, then turned into the grocery store parking lot. Possibly to thank Gomer for his civic spirit and scrupulous regard for traffic safety, Goober followed Gomer into the parking lot and extended the hand of friendship. Pretty soon the hands of friendship were going back and forth so fast that passers-by called JCSO to report a bloody melee of good fellowship. Feeling that both men deserved to be recognized for their conduct, deputies issued each a citation of the disorderly kind.


The story in black and white

CONIFER — Judging by the distressed condition of his brown trench coat and powerful olfactory profile, the school resource officer judged that the fellow standing at the security desk on the afternoon of Oct. 10 didn’t enjoy regular access to either laundry or bathing facilities. The deputy further judged he wasn’t there to visit a niece, nephew or grandchild among the student body, a suspicion the man readily confirmed. “I just want to use the library,” explained Trench Coat. Informed that the library wouldn’t be open to the public for another hour, Trench Coat obligingly departed, climbing into the passenger side of a black pickup truck driven by a white bearded man not familiar to either deputy or school staff. On a hunch, the officer ran the black pickup’s license plates and learned that White Beard is a registered sex offender with no legal business on school grounds. The deputy lingered on site to see if White Beard and Trench Coat would return, but they never did. The officer posted a description of the vehicle and informed school staff to holler out loud if it showed up again.


Let them eat tacos

CONIFER — Former employee Antoinette and her husband, Louis, drove into the drive-up burger concern on the afternoon of Oct. 12 and began placing an order with Gascon. Alas, the normally simple ordering process somehow went awry, and Gascon asked Louis for clarification. “Just do your (frogging) job,” sniffed Louis, archly. “I have a right to place an order.” “I have a right to refuse an order,” Gascon pointed out. Louis flew into an imperious rage, cursing Gascon in highly ornate language and making broad — and loud — assumptions regarding the car-hop’s sexual proclivities. When Louis got out of the car — perhaps so he could tirade more comfortably — Gascon locked himself inside the restaurant and, through the glass, formally banished Louis and Antoinette from the drive-up burger concern. The couple departed without burgers or satisfaction, and a gendarme later contacted Antionette at home in Bailey to make sure she understood Gascon’s proscription. Indeed, said Antionette, she and Louis had driven up for a burger, and it was true that Louis had used some “choice words” with Gascon, but her husband’s blood sugar had been low and that always makes him cranky. The officer told Antionette to stay away from Gascon. Antoinette said she really didn’t really like burgers anyway.