Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


Break a leg!

EVERGREEN — The customers at Bergen Park’s faux-doughnut concern were concerned. A casually dressed, white-haired, er, gentleman at the next table was on the phone with Denver’s hippest weekly general-interest magazine/marijuana-dispensary directory, loudly placing an advertisement soliciting somewhat salacious services. Scandalized beyond endurance, they summoned deputies, who asked the tele-creep to explain himself. It’s nothing, really, assured the man, a Nevada resident who beats the heat by escaping to Colorado every summer and currently lives in his car. It’s long been his fantasy, he said, “to direct a sex scene between consenting adults,” which episode would possibly — but not necessarily — be filmed, and for which gig he will gladly pay the, um, actors $100 each. He isn’t interested in “participating,” he clarified, only in the chance to stage the saucy spectacle “once or twice” in a local lodging house yet to be determined. Despite the project’s questionable artistic merits, the ad was legit, and while he would have been better advised to place the order in the privacy of his own, uh, home, the seedy Scorsese hadn’t broken any laws. He said he would return to Nevada in mid-October, perhaps by way of Sundance.

Wouldn’t that make them ‘jar rockets’?

KITTREDGE — Possibly unaware that several days of persistent rains had rendered his neighborhood about as combustible as an asbestos halibut, the Columbine Trail resident called JCSO on the night of Sept. 16 to report an unauthorized fireworks display occurring just down the street. A pair of bursting rockets led arriving deputies directly to an address where they contacted an intemperately festive woman who recalled hearing the sound of fireworks going off somewhere “to the west” but swore that she, herself, was proudly contraband-free. The officers might have believed her, too, had they not immediately observed a not-very-well-stashed jar containing 39 Black Cat bottle rockets underneath a car in the driveway. The woman apologized for lying, explaining that she was trying to show her guests an extra good time and figured a record wet spell was as good a time as any to break out the old whiz-bangs. Deputies sympathized enough to spare the woman a citation, but not enough to spare the Black Cats a date with the county incinerator.


Non-stop nuttiness

CONIFER — A dirt road following an easement across Roxy’s Richmond Hill property allows Reggie access to his house. A series of dirt speed bumps constructed by Roxy slightly impede Reggie’s access to his house. Reggie was walking along the easement road on the morning of Sept. 12 when Roxy saw him stop, pick up some rocks, and throw them off to the side. “Keep on moving!” barked Roxy. Reggie kept on moving, but moved back again a couple of hours later, when Roxy saw Reggie “kick stuff” on the ground. Roxy suspected Reggie was trying to dismantle one of her speed bumps and again confronted him, informing Reggie he wasn’t allowed to stop on the road or tamper with any part of it. Reggie told Roxy he had every right to be on the easement, and that, if she was really interested, he’d merely been kicking a small trench to release a large puddle collecting behind one of her precious speed bumps. Roxy wasn’t really interested, and pushed Reggie. Reggie pushed Roxy back. Roxy and Reggie both called JCSO to report the other’s un-neighborly behavior. Roxy told deputies she didn’t want Reggie rock-tossing, stuff-kicking or not-moving on the easement. Reggie told deputies Roxy wasn’t the boss of him, or of the easement. Deputies asked Roxy and Reggie whether they like to exchange assault charges, or would prefer to just start behaving themselves. Roxy and Reggie said they’d cool their jets.


Shards of suspicion

SOUTH TURKEY CREEK — When Rowena left home at 10 a.m. Sept. 13, the 6-foot glass-topped patio table in her front yard was a useful and attractive furnishing. When she returned at 3 p.m., it was a public health hazard. The table-trashers probably did the dastardly deed with the crowbar she also keeps in the front yard, Rowena told deputies. She also told them it was almost certainly the wicked work of certain camera-crazy neighbors, because they’ve installed surveillance cameras all over their house, including one pointed directly in her direction that records “my every move.” The officers cautioned Rowena that security-consciousness didn’t necessarily indicate a predilection for vandalism. OK, said Rowena, then they almost had to be guilty because “we’re not on good terms.” Lacking substantive evidence, deputies tabled the case.