Kibbles and Bits
EVERGREEN — Mr. Kibbles was strolling through Bell Park on the morning of July 2 when he encountered Mr. Bits and his small herd of midsize canine companions. The unrestrained animals took an immediate dislike to Mr. Kibbles, quickly surrounding him and barking madly until one of them nipped Mr. Kibbles in the hand. Mr. Kibbles approached Mr. Bits hoping to “address the aggressive dog situation” but instead found himself hip-deep in an aggressive Mr. Bits situation, complete with foul language and personal abuse. JCSO was notified, and a deputy was soon knocking on the door of Mr. Bits, who freely allowed that his dogs had been off-leash and were “prone to nipping at strangers.” In his own defense, Mr. Bits said that “95 percent of the dog owners” frequenting Maxwell Falls fail to leash their dogs, and, anyway, he considered Bell Park to be “my own little private place” and he believed Mr. Kibbles’ attempt to converse with him constituted harassment. The officer assured Mr. Bits that Mr. Kibbles wasn’t interested in pressing charges, and then reminded him that the law requires that his dogs be leashed while in the park regardless of what the other “95 percent” are doing, and that parks are by definition public amenities and nobody’s “private place.” “Well,” harrumphed Mr. Bits. “I'm just going to go out to parks now and invade everyone’s personal space then."
Tree falls in forest; sound made
EVERGREEN — The seasonal Independence Heights resident phoned JCSO to report himself the victim of illegal landscaping. According to his statement, sometime within that narrow four-month window of opportunity between mid-March and mid-July, larcenous lumberjacks had entered his property and cut down a 50-foot tree. What’s more, the vicious invaders had ruthlessly limbed the pole-axed pine, callously sawed the trunk into convenient sections, and maliciously stacked those sections off to one side. The complainant believed the deed was done by a specific neighbor whose view of Evergreen Lake was significantly improved by the crime. A brief survey of the neighbors yielded no witnesses to the tree-struction, leaving authorities temporarily stumped.
I spy with my little eye …
CONIFER — Alert Mom summoned deputies to the grocery store parking lot to pass along second-hand accounts of first-degree theft. She’d been inside shopping, she told officers, when the two Alert Boys she’d left parked in her van observed “a man wearing a black cowboy hat” climb into the back of a black pickup truck and remove “a crowbar and some power tools” from the toolbox in its bed. According to the lads’account, Black Hat may also have removed unknown items from the back of a nearby Ford Bronco, although they “weren’t 100 percent sure.” What they could say with confidence is that Black Hat drove away in a red Toyota. Officers located the owner of the black pickup truck, who assured them that he’d given Black Hat full permission and countenance to borrow implements out of his toolbox. Deputies next located Black Hat, who said he’d retrieved a crowbar and jack from Black Pickup’s toolbox, but hadn’t retrieved anything from any Ford Broncos. Deputies thanked the Boys for their Alertness and closed the case.
Pitched paraphernalia prompt protest
PINE JUNCTION — On the afternoon of July 5, a highly irritated business owner called JCSO to report illicit dumping. During a recent visit to his commercial trash receptacle, he’d discovered the bin packed with a suspicious assortment of irregular rubbish, including two cases of empty butane canisters, two empty “electric griddle” boxes, and what appeared to be “a large bag of marijuana.” It was the complainant’s opinion that the curious contraband had been mis-deposited in the wee hours of the night by persons associated with another business operating just over the Park County line. Examining the evidence, the deputy concluded that the goody bag was mostly stems and stalks but seized it for destruction anyway lest undiscriminating local youths mistake it for the good stuff. He also noted that large quantities of butane are useful in turning garden-variety weed into a potent form of pot concentrate, and retained a sampling of canisters for consideration by the West Metro Area Drug Task Force. Lacking ironclad provenance for the iniquitous items, however, the complainant’s case against his Park County counterpart went up in smoke.