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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


Wrong place, wrong time

EVERGREEN — “He keyed my car!” she declared to deputies on June 18, pointing the sharp finger of accusation directly at a nonplussed looking fellow standing nearby. Officers examined her car but could detect none of the tell-tale signs of “keying,” such as scratches, chipped paint or any visible sign of fresh damage at all. Not done yet, she countered that because she hadn’t actually seen what he’d been doing behind her car, he very likely “sprayed some kind of chemical” on it. Again, deputies failed to discern evidence of chemical attack and asked the woman if she wasn’t, perhaps, mistaken. “Yeah, I guess so,” she said, now done. Officers thanked the accused for his patience in the matter. “All I did was get out of my car and walk into the Radio Shack,” he sighed. “I’m from Nebraska visiting my daughter, and we’re on our way to the airport now. I think that lady’s crazy.” Deputies bid him safe travels.


Party placards pinched

EVERGREEN — The commercial-association representative knew that somebody had stolen two of its signs, and told deputies she might also know who. According to her statement, the association routinely posts signs on the library lawn, plugging upcoming association events. She had it on good authority that, on the afternoon of June 21, an “older lady driving a Honda CRV” was seen pulling them out of the ground and driving away with them. That description happened to match a certain person who’s been frequently vocal in her criticism of the association for hosting events on the Marshdale Fields at which alcoholic beverages are served. The complainant thought it likely she was trying to suppress attendance at an upcoming field fest, and said she wasn’t interested in pressing charges so long as the woman returns the signs and knocks it off. Officers visited the woman, who doesn’t resemble the suspect description and doesn’t own a Honda CRV. The woman admitted that while she isn’t crazy about public events at Marshdale Fields, it’s not due to any Puritanical streak but because she feels the occasions need to be better regulated. Rowdy, liquid-fueled attendees frequently relieve themselves on her lawn, she explained, clog the roadways with double-parked cars, create a liability nightmare by climbing all over a rock feature on her property, and get surly and threatening when she objects. Even so, she assured officers she hadn’t touched the missing signs. Deputies acknowledged that she has legitimate concerns, could find no evidence linking her to the thefts and signed off on the case.

The hall monitor

CONIFER — Reaching the end of her rope, the building manager called the cops on June 18 concerning a crooked caper commencing in her corridor. Seems all the tenants in the commercial complex share an interior hallway, and villainous vandals unknown had apparently deliberately damaged the exterior door’s latch, rendering it open for business around the clock. What’s more, the manager told deputies, that shifty shenanigan was merely the latest in a sneaky string of suspicious glitches to catch her attention in recent weeks. While she had no idea who was behind the mess of minor misdeeds, she wanted the damaged door documented against future offenses. Officers obliged.


Handshake-deal builds mistrust

CONIFER — Senior and Junior called JCSO on June 22 to report theft of services, theft of property and just plain theft. Six months ago, Junior explained, Senior hired Tradesman to perform major amendments to the family manor. For the first five months of the project, Tradesman had lived under Senior’s roof, during which happy interval both Junior and Senior had selflessly assisted Tradesman on some of the more difficult aspects of the job, as well as on a few other jobs Tradesman had going elsewhere. Senior also arranged for Tradesman to sign for necessary materials and supplies on his personal Home Depot account. The cozy relationship couldn’t last, however. “Things got weird,” said Junior, and Tradesman was asked to relocate to an East Colfax motel, for which Senior paid up a month in advance on his credit card, and for which Tradesman subsequently paid up for another month, also on Senior’s credit card. In addition, Tradesman had never returned “four tools” he’d borrowed from Junior, leading Junior to suspect they’d been pawned. Not surprisingly, Tradesman had a somewhat different perspective on the situation. He said that all credit transactions had been duly authorized by either Senior or Junior, but the two rarely compare notes, leading to constant misunderstandings. As to the second month’s rent, Tradesman assured officers that Senior not only authorized it, he’d given Tradesman the choice of paying it back in cash over time or working off the debt. Regarding the tools, Tradesman said he owned two of them, and he was holding the two belonging to Junior on the grounds that, while helping him on an outside project, Junior had contrived to receive full payment for the job, no part of which reached Tradesman. He said he’d gladly return Junior’s tools as soon as Junior returns that check. Because all contracts between the three had been purely verbal, and because there was no evidence of intent to defraud, and because he was rapidly developing an Excedrin headache, the deputy suggested the feuding fellows settle their collective hash in civil court.