Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


Mommy’s dearest

EVERGREEN — On the night of June 12, Hothead and Troublemaker got into it. Tempers flared, voices were raised, things were said, and Hothead called the cops. Hothead told deputies that Troublemaker had approached her that evening to discuss the possibility of Hothead’s granddaughter having a play-date with Troublemaker’s kids. Hothead has long maintained a standing order against such juvenile fraternization, and informed Troublemaker that the ban would not be lifted. Troublemaker begged leave to insist. Hothead “dropped the F-bomb.” Troublemaker called Hothead a (heavy-set hooker). Hothead called Troublemaker an (F-bombing C-bomb). Since the discourtesies seemed to have been evenly distributed and nobody got anything but her feelings hurt, officers explained to both parties the legal definitions of disorderly conduct and harassment and how easily both charges can be brought against hotheads and troublemakers.


Where there’s smokes, there’s ire

CONIFER — Giving no thought to his personal safety, Alert Driver dialed 911 on his cell phone to report that he was in covert pursuit of a black Mazda sedan. According to Alert, the Mazda’s two male occupants were throwing lit cigarette butts out of the window as they cruised down South Elk Creek Road. Indeed, by his count Alert had seen the puffing pair discard a scorching seven lit cigarette butts in the 3-mile stretch between Staunton State Park and U.S. 285, which is where Alert finally lost their scent. Deputies searched the park and those neighborhoods adjacent to the South Elk Creek/285 intersection without locating the fuming fellows, and reconnoitered South Elk Creek Road to make sure no fires had been sparked. Running the license-plate number provided by Alert, officers were able to ascertain that the Mazda belonged to the Enterprise Rental Car outlet on South Fulton Street in Denver. Without a smoking gun, the case of the blazing butts went cold.


Seeking disclosure

CONIFER — Leery Lucy was scouting cars on Craiglist when she chanced across a white Subaru wagon that caught her fancy. She contacted the seller, who said the Subaru was a rebuilt salvage vehicle. Instead of passing on a rebuilt salvage vehicle she found on Craigslist, Leery demanded that Seller forward a copy of the vehicle’s salvage disclosure affidavit. Seller apologized, saying he’d purchased the Subaru from the man who’d actually salvaged it, and had surrendered his only copy of the salvage disclosure affidavit to DMV. Instead of deciding a second-hand salvage vehicle of uncertain provenance wasn’t worth the trouble and moving on to the next white Subaru wagon on Craigslist, Leery called JCSO and informed a deputy that, by not immediately providing her with the requested document, Seller was in violation of Colorado law. The officer explained that the statute cited by Leery is rather opaque in its language, and that as far as he could tell Seller hadn’t yet ventured into misdemeanor territory. Instead of realizing that the world is full of white Subaru wagons and life is too short to waste any more time on Seller’s pig in a poke, Leery told the officer she was convinced that Seller was attempting to perpetrate a fraud upon her person and insisted his cage be rattled. The deputy dutifully called Seller, who cheerfully provided correct and up-to-date information strongly indicating that his white Subaru wagon was in compliance with state and local laws. The officer informed Leery that her bid for justice had fallen short.