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SHERIFF'S CALLS

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No toaster for you

EVERGREEN — Summoned to a Swede Gulch lending institution on the afternoon of May 1, deputies listened with interest as the bank teller gave them a complete account. According to his statement, Valued Client had recently written himself a check from a different bank and deposited it in his Evergreen account. On that afternoon, Valued called Teller to find out why the check hadn’t yet been cleared through. Teller explained that bank policy requires that checks of that type be held for 10 days to discourage “kiting” activities. Valued expressed his displeasure by yelling at Teller, by using “the F-word” a lot, by telling him the bank’s service “sucks,” by promising to “wait for you in the parking lot,” and by declaring his intention to “burn your bank.” When contacted by officers, Valued admitted be might have been slightly “out of control” and a little off-color during the conversation, but swore he never threatened to ambush Teller in the parking lot or torch the bank. Since Teller declined to press charges against a now-less-Valued Client, he didn’t have to spend the night in the Jeffco vault.

Woman asks JCSO to prune Busches

EVERGREEN — The pattern was clear, a furious Upper Bear Creek Road homeowner told deputies on May 3. Just about every single afternoon for several months, Slob Unknown has thrown a single empty beer can out of his/her car window. Adding heft to her report with statistical information, Furious said the beer is always Busch, the cans are always discarded between 4 and 6:30 p.m., they always wind up on the north side of the road, and they tend to be concentrated in three distinct locations — next to the fire hydrant in front of Rippling Waters, across from the “pump house,” and at the end of her driveway. Tired of picking up after the littering louse, she asked deputies if they could identify Slob by fingerprinting one of the cans. Officers said it’s unlikely the department would detail lab resources to apprehend a litterbug. Furious offered to have a private lab take a crack at it. Deputies said it couldn’t hurt anything if she did, and suggested she put the word out through the homeowner association to be on the lookout for the can-casting creep.

Goodyear up three and a half points

CONIFER — Shuffling outside to retrieve his daily newspaper on the morning of May 3, Leavenworth Drive couldn’t help noticing his Ford Explorer displayed a pronounced list to port. Investigating, he discovered both passenger tires had been rendered utterly non-buoyant through repeated perforation. Nothing else seemed to be damaged or missing, but Leavenworth told deputies it was the first time in his 11 years at that address that his radials had been ravaged. Down the way a piece, Nancy Lane could sympathize. Nancy testified that he’d parked his 2010 Ford Mustang on the street in front of his house the previous day, and on the afternoon of May 3 noticed one of the street-facing tires repeatedly slashed and flat as a buckwheat crepe. Alas, Nancy could provide officers nothing of evidentiary value, having heard no evil and seen no evil during the night, and having industriously replaced the punctured Pirelli before filing his report. Both cases are struggling to gain traction. 

But is it art?

KINGS VALLEY — Having a busy morning on May 3, deputies also responded to South Elk Creek Road, where dozens of mailboxes, a multi-address newspaper receptacle and a community bulletin board had been crudely enhanced with black spray paint. A profane directive had been plastered across the bulletin board’s Plexiglass cover, the doors of the mailboxes had been completely coated with paint, rendering them effectively anonymous, and several of the newspaper box’s identifying tags had been left blackened and unreadable. In all, 37 mailboxes suffered aerosol indignities, as did two metal signs pointing the way into Staunton State Park. Quickly gathering what evidence they could, deputies then raced over to a nearby gas-n-go to investigate another artistic outrage. In that case, the aggrieved party had been attempting to sell a green Ford Excursion, and had parked it in the business’ highly visible parking lot with a "For Sale" sign in the window. Rather than prospective customers, on the night of May 3 it had attracted only headaches. Officers photographed the barbarous band besmirching his banana-boat, then slapped 30 days of extra patrols on the whole area.