Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


A lack of self-restraint

EVERGREEN — According to Ex-Boyfriend, he and Ex-Girlfriend haven’t been an item for months. Their breakup was, if not entirely amicable, completely without legal complications. Moreover, Ex-Boyfriend has a new girlfriend, and Ex-Girlfriend has a new boyfriend. But for some reason, Ex-Boyfriend told deputies, Ex-Girlfriend seems to think Ex-Boyfriend can’t legally be present anywhere she happens to be. Ex-Boyfriend found that expectation unrealistic since they both patronize the same restaurants and watering holes about town. Case in point: Ex-Boyfriend was enjoying a cold one at an Evergreen Parkway bar and grill when Ex-Girlfriend stormed in and hollered, “That’s two days in a row! You saw my car outside! You can’t be here!” Checking county records, deputies could find no restraining order preventing Ex-Boyfriend from being anywhere, at any time, for weeks at a time. “Things are getting out of control with her,” Ex-Boyfriend lamented. “She talks smack about me at all the places we frequent.” He told deputies he was thinking about confronting Ex-Girlfriend with an eye toward working out her issues. Officers advised him to bring a witness and record their encounter, and to let them know if her issues persist.


Cranberry? Really?

EVERGREEN — The lady on the phone with JCSO dispatch was concerned. She was concerned because her HOA sent her a circular warning of burglaries in the area. She was also concerned because at about 8 a.m. she’d observed a “cranberry-purple” car traveling west on Centaur Drive. That was concerning, she told deputies, because cars “rarely travel westbound on Centaur at that time of the morning.” Of equal concern, the vehicle’s occupants appeared to be olive-complected and “the neighborhood is predominantly white.” Officers noted her concerns.



Fool copped the drain

CONIFER — Displaying equal parts initiative, energy and criminality, a really determined thief made off with an 8-foot section of Jack’s culvert. According to Jack, the poached pipe was about 10 inches in diameter and constructed of porcelain-lined cast iron. An examination of the scene suggested that heavy equipment was used to raise the culvert’s lower portion, snapping the conduit at a joint. The pretty ponderous parted portion was then hauled away for unknown purposes. As to suspects, Jack was willing to guess his neighbor, Jasper, was somehow involved. Although he couldn’t prove it, he said Jasper can be a pill at times, particularly when a culvert-owning neighbor reports him to Animal Control for letting his horses wander freely about the neighborhood. Lacking evidence, however, Jack feared that a visit from deputies would only make Jasper less personable than usual, and he asked them to simply take just take a report and keep an eye out for the abducted duct.

Yellow roses, bloody noses

PINE — It was the kind of call that every law enforcement officer dreads — two young women had been spotted standing next to a parked vehicle screaming and pulling each other’s hair. Girding themselves for the worst, deputies raced to Pine Junction and found the ladies looking horribly disheveled and dangerously pouty. By piecing together the girls’ treacherous testimony, officers learned that Billy Jo and Bobby Sue are sisters, that they were visiting from the Lone Star State, and that they were looking to buy a suitably remote parcel of land where their mother (“a Doomsday-prepper,” explained Billy Jo) could construct a bunker. After driving around the mountains for a while, Bobby Sue complained of car sickness and asked to be taken back to the hotel. Instead, Billy Jo started mocking Bobby Sue’s hypochondriacal tendencies. Bobby Sue called Billy Jo “a white-trash stripper who sleeps with men for money” and demanded to be let out of the car. Billy Jo said “go ahead and leave” because she had no use for “a Golden Child.” Things got mean after that, culminating in the hair-snatching scrap reported to JCSO dispatch. Although no charges were filed, Bobby Sue refused to get back into any car containing Billy Jo. Summoning a DIA-bound taxi, Bobby Sue hopped the next flight headed to Texas.