Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


A sordid serenade

EVERGREEN — On the afternoon of March 12, a resident complained of telephone harassment. The complainant was an attorney who said a former client threatened her over the phone. The former client threatened her by leaving a phone message. In the phone message the former client sings and swears. The complainant played the phone message for the deputy. The deputy couldn’t decide if the occasionally vulgar lyrics were presented as composed or merely crude ad-libs. The former client subsequently left two additional messages. The new messages were less tuneful, but no less disturbing. The complainant played them for the deputy. The deputy thought the former client sounded intoxicated in them. The complainant said she was afraid the former client might find out where she lives and come by to harass her in person. The deputy said that because the former client made only three calls and no direct threats, the best he could do was document her concerns and institute an extra patrol of her neighborhood.

Sowing trouble

EVERGREEN — On the morning of March 12, the sporting goods merchant found three-quarter-inch sheet metal screws mysteriously strewn across his parking lot. Annoyed but not alarmed, he picked them up and threw them away. When they mysteriously reappeared on March 13, he notified JCSO, who instituted an extra patrol of the business. He quizzed his crew for clues on March 14, prompting a woman on the staff to recount finding similar fasteners spread on her driveway on the mornings of March 12, 13 and 14. She believed the dirty deeds may have been done by her ex-boyfriend, who, to judge by the rash of “nasty” messages he left on her cell phone, seemed to be having trouble adjusting to their breakup and her subsequent attachment to another man. A deputy called her ex-boyfriend, who flatly denied the allegations and swore he “would never do anything like that.” The officer advised him to never do anything like contact his ex-girlfriend again, either.



Sweeping allegations

CONIFER — Some months ago, Discerning Homeowner hired Lucky Tradesman to refinish the approximately 6 acres of hardwood floor in her residence. In the interest of expediency, she furnished Lucky with the garage door access code, allowing him to continue the monumental work in her absence. Alas, Discerning found the completed job unworthy of her high standards, citing unacceptable “construction defects.” Rather than prosecute the dispute personally, she engaged a lawyer who drafted a letter formally notifying the luckless Lucky of his client’s displeasure and wondering when he planned to correct the alleged defects. Whether that letter had been received by March 12, Discerning didn’t know. What she did know was that when she left the house on that morning, those imperfect planks had been luxuriously carpeted with dog hair, and when she returned a few hours later, the dog hair had been swept into a neat pile. Although she couldn’t prove it, she suspected Lucky of wielding the whisk, and wanted a full report on file with JCSO. She did not, however, want Lucky contacted by deputies before she had a chance to consult her attorney. Officers stood down.


Hemper fidelis

CONIFER — Engaged to manage the Leavenworth Drive home in its owner’s absence, Betty Broker was pleased to find a quiet and trouble-free tenant in Cheech. Sadly, Cheech’s lease was up on March 1, and he’d made no move to renew. After giving the reliable renter ample time to vacate the premises, on March 16 she thought it was high time to cultivate new prospective tenants and dropped by to inspect the place. Cheech was nowhere in evidence, but his presence lingered upstairs where Betty found one bedroom “full” of marijuana plants, and a second bedroom “halfway full” of them. She immediately called JCSO to express her growing concerns, describing how both rooms resembled “hydroponic” laboratories complete with blacked-out windows and horticulturally advantageous lights suspended from the ceilings. Unfortunately for Farmer Cheech, power to the house had been discontinued, and the crop appeared to be on the verge of failing. There was also a cat in the house, which appeared to be in reasonable health and extremely mellow. While unable to gain entrance, a deputy inspecting the property sometime later observed lots of fresh tracks in the driveway suggesting that somebody was still in occupancy. A call to Cheech’s cell-phone number dead-ended at a generic messaging system. Betty told the officer she would begin eviction procedures immediately. The officer told Betty to contact Animal Control about the cat, and promised to share her statement with the department’s drug task force.