-A A +A

An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

Friendly fire
MARSHDALE — On the afternoon of Jan. 9, a Danks Drive resident came home to find his mailbox bruised and contused. In his estimation, the damage had been wrought with a crowbar and pliers and malice aforethought. While he couldn’t say for certain “who the players were,”, he believed it was the work of “a gang in the Evergreen/Conifer area consisting of people 19 to 40 years of age.” He told deputies it will now be his practice to “go out every night at about 8 o’clock and fire off two shots with my .22” with the aim of discouraging further gang activity in the neighborhood." He further assured officers that his anti-terror tactics would in no way endanger the public weal. The case remains open pending further information.

Amas, amat, ammo, a mess
U.S. HIGHWAY 285 — It had all the hallmarks of a mob hit. On the evening of Jan. 4, a gun-wielding thug unknown coolly pumped at least a dozen shotgun rounds into the complainant’s defenseless wooden gate, admitting daylight through an equal number of gaping holes and leaving a pile of spent shells on the ground. It was the second time somebody pitilessly peppered the poor portal, and the owner wanted protection. A JCSO crime scene technician processed the scene, but the accursed assassin remains anonymous.

Stupid is as stupid does

CONIFER — A hang-up 911 call brought deputies racing to Kings Valley in the early-morning hours of Jan. 13. On arrival they found houseguests Bob and Rob trying to overcome major snoot-fuls, the lady of the house, Jane, preparing to leave with Bob, and Jane’s husband, John, lying on an upstairs bed surrounded by a litter of frozen potato cubes. According to semi-reliable accounts, the four had gathered to watch the Broncos game. After the broadcast, and for obvious reasons, they’d all sought solace in spirits. As BACs rose, the tenor of conversation fell. Harsh words were spoken. Tempers flared. John lunged at Bob, twisting his ankle. Bob and Jane dragged John upstairs and gave him a bag of frozen potato cubes to use as an ice pack. John kept kicking the bag off until it ruptured, sending frozen potato cubes all over the room. Disgusted, Jane told John she was leaving with Bob. John picked up the phone and dialed 911. Jane snatched the phone from John’s hand and barked, “Knock it off!” As it happened, the only non-NFL-sanctioned crime committed that night was Jane’s, whom deputies arrested for obstructing a 911 call. “I hung up the phone!” Jane yelled at John as officers hauled her away. “You were being stupid!”

PINE — Arriving home after enjoying the Stock Show Parade on the late afternoon of Jan. 11, Belle noticed her neighbor, Calamity, “glaring” at her from across the way. Thinking little of it, she thoroughly raked her horse pen and retired inside. A short time later she heard a “thump, thump” and went outside to see a shadowy figure — possibly Calamity — darting “from cover to cover” toward Belle’s fence. As she watched, the skulker pulled apart two fence wires and tried to entice Belle’s two dogs to break for freedom. Belle rushed forward, and the would-be liberator fled in the direction of Calamity’s house. Understandably rattled, Belle immediately thought to check on her horses, and quickly discovered a fistful of nails strewn about what minutes before had been a cleanly raked pen. Recalling a recent nail injury to one of her horse’s hooves, she called JCSO to report her suspicion that either Calamity or one of her associates has been deliberately sowing trouble in her horse pen. Calamity wasn’t answering her door when officers called, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to stop knocking.