Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


Seating estrangement

EVERGREEN — About 1:45 a.m. on Dec. 21, a Gallery Lane resident was awakened by three loud “bangs” on his deck. At dawn’s light he discovered one of his deck chairs adrift in the snow-covered field behind his house. While the unfortunate furnishing is expected to make a full recovery, the man felt he should report the incident to JCSO because it appears to be merely the latest in a string of shameful monkeyshines that have plagued the neighborhood in recent weeks. The deputy photographed some fishy footprints for further reflection.


Stolen glory

EVERGREEN — On the afternoon of Dec. 21, an Island Drive resident reported an assault on her Christmas spirit. Sometime during the previous night, she said, Scrooges unknown made off with a 46-inch finial reflector ornament, a 24-inch outdoor gold resin ball, and a planter. All three items had been taken from in front of her house, and each was heavy enough to be “difficult for someone to carry.” And yet carried they were, at least as far as somebody’s car, because none were subsequently found abandoned in the area. There are currently no suspects, nor a sudden spike in truss sales.


De-fuel on the hill

EVERGREEN — The Camel Heights Circle resident phone JCSO on the morning of Dec. 18 to report herself the victim of volatile villainy. Somebody, she told deputies, has been siphoning liquid gold out of her 2004 GMC pickup truck by night. In the latest case, she’d found the gas cap dangling defiantly down the vehicle’s flank and at least a half a tank of precious petroleum absent without leave. Current suspects include anybody who can remember thinking a buck was a lot to pay for a gallon of gas.



CONIFER — On the morning of Dec. 20, after loading the entire contents of his Davis Avenue storage unit into the back of a rented truck, Rob headed for the gate. Unaccustomed to driving a vehicle of such generous proportions, he struck the gate’s electronic keypad housing on the way out, leaving a 3-foot scratch in the side of his rented conveyance and knocking the keypad unit off kilter. Convinced the damage to the keypad was merely cosmetic, Rob retrieved a hammer and wrench from his mobile bazaar and attempted to effect repairs. The storage facility’s owner, Roy, observed Rob “banging on the keypad housing” and summoned JCSO deputies. Rob told deputies he thought he could fix the damaged device. Roy told deputies that if Rob left the premises and the keypad wasn’t actually fixed, he’d be stuck with the cost of actually fixing it. Diagnostic trials indicated that the keypad, while battered, still opened and closed the gate as designed. Officers collected Rob’s vital statistics and his promise to pay for professional repairs should they be required.


Star of Wonder, Star of Blight

CONIFER — ‘Twas a silent and holy night when Callae Court phoned JCSO to report a brilliant light shining down from on high. As it happened, the light was shining from nearby Riley Peak Road, filling Callae’s house with a heavenly radiance and filling Callae with more aggravation than awe. For lo’, these many years, Callae told deputies, it has been Riley Peak’s custom to shine a “high-powered spotlight” at his house for the purely profane purpose of halogen harassment. Callae believes his neighbor is punishing him for building his house so close to Riley’s, and said he knows Riley only does it to bug him because the light only shines when his kitchen light is on, signaling to Riley that he’s at home — a contention persuasively supported by meticulous photographic evidence gathered by Callae over the course of two enlightening years. Deputies next spoke to Riley, who said he merely uses the light to summon his dogs for supper and never intentionally spotlights Callae’s house. When deputies pointed out that Callae’s cameras make a good case for deliberation, Riley countered that if any innocent illumination spills into Callae’s house, it’s Callae’s own fault for building his house too close to the light, and that if he doesn’t like it, he should invest in more effective draperies. Expecting no goodwill between the two unwise men in the foreseeable future, officers asked Riley if he’d be game for county mediation. Riley took the information pamphlet, but he’d be damned before he made the first phone call because he’s done nothing wrong. Back at the complainant’s house, Callae took the pamphlet, but said he won’t be the one to make the first call because he’s done nothing wrong. Deputies didn’t anticipate much peace in that part of the Earth this holiday season.