Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


Yellow card issued on play

EVERGREEN — Mr. Hamm was on his way to pick up little Mia from school on the afternoon of Oct. 30 when his drive to the goal was stopped by an opponent crying “Foul!” As Hamm approached the end of Larkspur Drive, one Mr. Beckham backed out of his driveway and into the street, deliberately blocking Hamm’s progress. Mr. Hamm called a penalty on the play, at which Mr. Beckham poked Hamm in the bacon with his cane and demanded he stop driving on his property. Rather than argue ownership of a public thoroughfare, Hamm edged around Beckham while Beckham used his cane to tenderize Hamm’s car. Finding Beckham still obstructing traffic an hour later, Hamm called on JCSO, and JCSO called on Beckham, who told deputies to “get the (fullback) off my property.” Beckham explained to the officers that he owns that portion of Larkspur Drive, and asserted that “people should build their own road if they want to get to their house.” The officers explained to Beckham that he can’t legally park crosswise in the street. Beckham said he'll park any way he feels like. Officers told him not to be too surprised when his car gets impounded.


Poe judgment

EVERGREEN — As darkness crept across Little Big Horn Drive on Halloween night, Lenore expressed concern that malicious mischief makers might molest the carved wooden raven standing guard on the front porch. Her husband offered the opinion that if she was worried about the blackbird going bye-bye, she should move it out of harm’s way. Lenore decided to leave the statue be, and immediately regretted that decision the next morning when she stepped outside to find the raven removed. A deputy summoned to the scene first took Lenore’s full report, then conducted a cursory examination of the porch. Around the corner from the front door, the officer observed a small wooden statue displaying distinctly raven-y characteristics, and asked Lenore whether he was crazy, or whether that was her absent avian effigy. Deducing that her husband had unilaterally relocated the raven, Lenore sheepishly apologized and promised to waste the deputy’s time nevermore.


Tina Yothers could not be reached for comment

CONIFER — On the evening of Nov. 2, deputies were summoned to the Keaton estate to help unravel a knotty family problem. Mallory said her brother, Alex, has been for some time been living on the grounds in his RV, for which privilege he’s been regularly and promptly paying rent. She said that what he doesn’t spend on rent he spends on hooch, and he can get a touch tetchy when he’s in his cups. That afternoon, continued Mallory, she’d informed a half-bagged Alex that she was thinking about selling the homestead and he’d best start looking for a new place to park the old Airstream. Alex countered that if he burns down Mallory’s house, she’ll likely wind up paying him rent to bunk on his RV’s convertible dinette table. Mallory contacted JCSO, which contacted Alex in mid-bender. Alex admitted arguing with his sister about the estate’s ultimate disposition but said he never threatened to torch the place. Deputies explained to Mallory that because Alex has established legal residence on the property, she’ll have to uninstall him through normal county eviction channels. Mallory said she’d think about it. Alex said he’d stay in his RV until he sobered up.


A lumen confrontation

CONIFER — The complainant was in a dark mood on the bright morning of Nov. 4, and wanted deputies to shine the harsh light of justice upon his black-hearted neighbor. According to his statement, said neighbor has spent the last two years in a blazing rage because the complainant’s 2-year-old house perturbs his formerly expansive mountain view. Apparently determined to pay it backward, the neighbor periodically uses his vehicle headlights and a “high-powered” spotlight to illuminate the complainant’s kitchen and living room like Fremont Street. As proof, he showed the officers a video taken the previous Friday night that shows a light “flickering” about the neighbor’s property for several moments before flashing directly into the complainant’s house for “two or three seconds” and then moving on. Although the “spotlight harassment” occurs only randomly and at wide intervals, the complainant wanted deputies to pull the plug forthwith. Officers explained that, alas, one video doth not harassment charges make, but that if he was determined to pursue the issue, he might want to start compiling a body of evidence. Beaming, the complainant said he would immediately begin assembling a light-abuse library for later litigation.