Campaign speech not protected
EVERGREEN — Grassroots politicking got a little weedy in the early morning hours of Oct. 6 when a Gray Fox Drive resident discovered the left-leaning campaign billboard in his front yard lurching sharply to the right. He’d lovingly fashioned the 25-square-foot “Obama-Biden 2012” placard out of wood and hope with his own two progressive hands, only to have vandalous rascals unknown deface it with spray-painted swastikas. Now, instead of exhorting the faithful, his misappropriated message would languish in the garage where the hateful hakenkreuz couldn’t give passers-by the wrong impression about his sympathies. Although nothing else on the property was damaged, he sought extra patrols of the neighborhood “until the presidential election is over.” Deputies wondered if he had any suspects in the case. “Some Republican @#*hole” he said.
Man rejects enlightenment
EVERGREEN — On the evening of Oct. 7, Smokey was grilling some chicken on the back deck of the Chestnut Drive house he was sitting when The Bear emerged from his den next door and ordered Smokey to douse the floodlights. Smokey assured The Bear that his supper was nearly ready and he’d soon return the yard to its natural starlit state. The Bear retreated inside, only to lumber out again in possession of a “red light,” which he shone seemingly at random about his own yard and driveway. Unsure of what The Bear was up to, but suspecting some sort of rather imprecise laser attack, Smokey called the cops. Having in the past been summoned to intercede between The Bear and Smokey’s employer, deputies weren’t particularly surprised when, at their approach, The Bear rushed outside loaded for … er … bear. As it happened, The Bear had also called the cops, but only to lodge an informal complaint about Smokey’s light pollution, and he was furious that officers had responded to the scene. It turned out that the sinister “red light” had emanated from The Bear’s camera as he walked about his yard carefully documenting the white light “trespassing” on his property. Deputies reminded The Bear that Jeffco zoning officials had already determined that his neighbor’s lights are not in violation of ordinance, and suggested he try to grin and bear it.
Enter the dragon
CONIFER — An employee of the Elk Creek Fire Department asked JCSO deputies to take possession of some suspicious “found property.” The property had been found in a public parking area on Blackfoot Road in front of ECFD’s Station No. 1 by a volunteer firefighter who “wished to remain anonymous,” and consisted of two pea-size black rocks wrapped in wax paper and tied into the tips of two small purple balloons. Officers suspected, and soon confirmed, that the enigmatic nuggets were, in fact, black-tar heroin. Deputies stowed the smack in the mountain-precinct mausoleum.
Running into trouble
ASPEN PARK — A concerned Belle Mont Trail resident called JCSO on Oct. 7 to report what he believed to be an escalation of an ongoing guerrilla campaign against the gustily gaited. While jogging earlier in the day, he told deputies, he’d come across a triangular piece of metal that appeared to have been cut from a “channel or housing” and fashioned into that type of anti-personnel device generally described in military circles as a caltrop. It seemed an ominous development in view of the tacks, nails, scrap metal and sundry other stealthy obstacles that folks have found sown across neighborhood roads lately, and the HOA had already distributed a circular advising locals of the situation and asking that county authorities be apprised of all subsequent mining incidents. Officers suggested that a surveillance camera might be the weapon best suited to disarming the sneaky saboteur.