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SHERIFF'S CALLS

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By The Staff

 

A false economy

EVERGREEN - When an impetuous Porsche Cayenne blew through the construction zone at the intersection of Sugarbush and Keystone on the afternoon of Aug. 11, the exasperated road crew called the cops. According to an aggrieved flagman, the rash roadster willfully ignored both his hand-held stop sign and repeated verbal commands to halt, instead maneuvering boldly around men and machines and striking the flagman's hand with his side-mounted rearview mirror. Deputies tracked the careless Cayenne to a garage on Bridger Court just as its driver was leaving in a Jeep Cherokee. In his own defense, the fellow said he'd been rushing home to check on his ailing son who, thank goodness, was just fine, and he'd since been inclined to regret his earlier poor behavior. He'd changed vehicles because he was on his way to the airport and didn't like to leave the Porsche in overnight parking, and he suspected the flagman injured his hand when he deliberately struck — and broke — the mirror in a fit of pique. Ultimately, the few minutes he saved in transit cost him one broken mirror, one (presumably) missed flight and a hefty penalty for reckless endangerment.

'Open the pod-bay door please, HAL'

EVERGREEN - When his "smart" house started acting stupid, a Chris Drive man feared that a disgruntled former employee was still at work. According to the homeowner's statement of Aug. 12, he believed the fired hand was hacking into his high-tech habitat's various control systems and wreaking havoc on his domestic tranquility. Indeed, he'd observed a furtive fellow lurking in the woods near the property, but could make no positive ID. When questioned, the accused monkey wrench denied any cyber-antics and suggested his former boss was suffering alcohol-induced delusions. Lacking tangible evidence of a crime or corroborating testimony from the house, officers closed the case.

Way better than Scooby Doo reruns

KITTREDGE - On the afternoon of Aug. 8, a South End Road resident complained to JCSO that the woman next door had sworn at and deliberately exposed her upper-chestal region to his previously unworldly kids. Answering the door in Spandex and a sports bra, the accused flasher admitted admonishing the children for looking in her window as she exercised but denied cursing at them, although she might have used the term "frickin" because she's "been using the word 'frickin' a lot lately." As to giving the neighborhood children a PG-13 matinee, she allowed that her workout regimen occasionally becomes so intense that her "top can rides up." Weighing her rather variable testimony against the kids' persuasively enthusiastic recollections, officers cited the woman for indecent exposure.

When rhetoric fails

CONIFER - Partisan politics claimed another victim on the evening of Aug. 8 when an alcohol-fueled political discussion at a picturesque Brook Forest pub and hostelry turned inexplicably violent. After sifting through statements from all parties, JCSO deputies deduced that a poker-playing local with the better part of a 12-pack under his belt happened to take a break on the patio at the same time a substantial "football-player type" was holding forth on what he deemed the current administration's manifold deficiencies. Leaping uninvited to the defense of Democrats of every station, the hometown progressive pointedly suggested they adjourn to the parking lot for a little one-on-one debate, prompting the impatient conservative to achieve instant detente with a swift right to the kisser. Since numerous witnesses testified that the glass-jawed gambler is notorious for both liberally imbibing and unilateral aggression, officers slapped him with a disorderly conduct citation.

A nude awakening

CONIFER - According to a Blue Creek Road resident who phoned JCSO at about 2 a.m. on Aug. 9, the strange man banging on their door was loud, probably drunk and possibly stark naked. On arrival, deputies quickly determined that the noisy inebriate was, in fact, wearing light-colored shorts. According to his barely coherent statement, he'd been swilling booze and sipping an apparently robust "tea" at a nearby home. He recalled getting into a hot tub with four women, remembered suddenly feeling "uncomfortable," remembered waking up nude on the stairs, and remembered waking up later in his car wearing shorts. Concerned, he'd gone to the reporting address seeking assistance. After locating his shoes, shirt and car keys, officers released the immodest inebriate into his estranged wife's custody.